Silent nights

The cheese cake is cooling and the famous macaroons have had their bottoms dipped in chocolate. The gifts are all wrapped with love, ahem, though not with attention to good wrapping techniques (not my forte). All the advent candles - hope, peace, joy, and love - have been lit, save for the Christ candle.

The waiting is almost over.

Week 51 of Photo 52: Merry & Bright

I'm thankful for this season, though arguably I'm not exactly merry and bright. Still, I've found myself, surprisingly, at peace over the last couple weeks.

Each week, I've found myself truly looking forward to the lighting of each candle - it's been so very special.  I've been waiting and reflecting each week... and the image and the memory of the sea air is still with me to relax me - and to remind me of the expanse of God's love and light for us.

While we were on the cruise, we were completely disconnected from the larger world - specifically, I mean we did not access email, Facebook, or TV etc. It was blissfully quiet in so many ways. I realized that, though I'm eternally grateful for the connections I have and can nurture through technology, it's important to be quiet too. I can do oh so very many things at once - sometimes I can do so many things at once that it actually terrifies my big, strong hubby! The cruise reminded me that quiet - that one thing at a time - is also a good thing.

It's just that for so long, the quiet has been just one more tormentor.

Through these years of heartbreaking infertility - and now the verdict of childlessness - I've purposely tried to find more noise to shut out the searing pain, if only for an hour or so. This has been most critical to me in the hours after R falls asleep, and I lie awake in tears and pain - just wanting the tears and pain to stop... Oh yes - there's even an app for that! Whatever did bitter and heartbroken people do before they had tranquilizing phone app games to temporarily dull the pain a bit?

In truth, the noise has probably worked against me. Since coming back, of course I've gone back to technology, but have been easing off certain things - not the relationships, just the true time wasters and noise makers, like mindless TV (as opposed to shows I actually enjoy) and something that shall remain nameless but rhymes with Scandy Scrush.... I love games - they're beneficial in many ways - but that one is just an addictive tranquilizer to me. It's not that it's bad in itself, it's just that it's time to become more deliberate with life again - no matter how broken I am.

And so, I'm trying to stop fearing the silence so much, and start trusting that it will be okay - somehow, someway.

In the meantime, I'll continue holding my breath in hope.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Much love,
HJ

Cruisin' into new...

Sail away, sail away, sail away... 

Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never been...

At long last, it's the new we've all been waiting for - at least R and I had been!  New number 18 was taking a cruise to the Bahamas! 

To sum up, it was amazing!!  

As a bonus, our cruise happened to be during a week where the temps here in MN were sub zero.  Talk about contrast!

Week 49 of Photo 52: Contrast 

It felt so surreal to be standing right here on this deck, knowing it was negative something or other back home - and worse, when you add the wind chill.  

I'm so incredibly thankful for being able to be there - what a blessing!

Believe it or not, this was the first time R and I did anything like this! Yes, we go to his island in the Caribbean - but that is all family. It's work and responsibility - and fun and warmth - but it's family. All of our vacations are family (or tagged onto a business trip), because neither of our families live near us. Spending time with our families is wonderful, but this was different. So different - and so amazing!

This was just us.

Us! 

Pure bliss!!

We completely unhooked from the rest of the world and we.... relaxed. Truly relaxed. This could be counted as a new, in itself, to be honest. 

To have our bones and our souls melt into pools of sheer happiness for a few short days - incredible!

My troubles felt far away, as if they might melt right along with me.

Our waistlines, however: not melted! We dined well!

Sushi - it tasted like more! (Yes, I asked for seconds! How dare they serve such a small portion!)

Conch stew over rice-n-peas. This was delicious!! Different from how
 R's folks make it (with coconut milk), but absolutely lovely!

Mahi mahi  with roasted potatoes and veggies - yum!

Seaside ice cream - what could be better? 

And... chocolate meltaway cake....  Oh - my - word!!  This was pure delight on a spoon!!  

To somewhat help our waistlines (yea, right!), we also danced!

This photo is of R as one of the Temptations, dancing to My Girl (after someone, who shall remain nameless, cruelly volunteered him....), but we otherwise danced together - it was Motown Night, after all! Who doesn't want to move their hips to some Motown classics?

There were also excursions to be had. One had us riding in a semi submarine! I'm counting this as new number 19, because... well because I rode in a submarine!  How cool is that?

It wasn't easy to get good photos in the submarine, but it was really cool to see all the fishies and underwater life!  

We also soaked in the outdoor hot tub, or just snuggled up together on lounge chairs, under the moonlight every evening.  Magical!!

More than anything, we savored every minute together in this great big beautiful world!

Week 50 of Photo 52: Savoring

There is no place in the world I feel more at peace and more aware of God's boundless love and grace, than when I'm at sea. I guess I'll never know why life has had to be so heartbreakingly stormy for us in some pretty major areas - why I can't simply be a mom...  but for those four days, and in their afterglow, though the pain was still there, I felt truly at peace.

And that, my friends, is priceless. 

Neither holly, nor jolly

I don't think I'm doing very well.

Am I pushing myself too hard? It's possible my efforts toward difficult kindnesses, openness, and assertiveness are making me feel more vulnerable - thus increasing my sensitivity - but still, I'm not really pushing myself all that hard. Maybe it's just that it's holiday time again and the holidays have become, to me, the opposite of what they are meant to mean.

After all, the holly jolly, sweet wide-eyed children, elf on the shelf (whatever that is) version of it I see all around me... well, this is a version I can never have. Oh how I want that version. While it may not be as perfect as their photos make it seem, that doesn't make it any less perfect, does it?

Oh how I long for those special cookie baking, tree trimming good times with our own sweet wide eyed kiddies. Their waking up on Christmas morning wonder... the beauty of continuing generations through the years. But no, that's not for me.

Yes, I've grown to - so very much - not love this time of year.

The ridiculously early darkness doesn't help even a little. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this winter, to be brutally honest.

Well, next week is the Bahamas... so I should be able to get through the next two weeks, but after that, who knows. Ugh!  I just feel so completely awful - a failure at every turn. I can usually set that aside and feel fun and lively enough when interacting with others, or out and about doing things. In these colder, darker days though, I don't really want to be out and about.

Though I otherwise don't plan to decorate for Christmas this year, I decided I needed to make an Advent wreath. I didn't grow up with any kind of Advent tradition, but our current church follows the church calendar - and I just love it! I'm not sure why we didn't focus on it more growing up. Today's sermon, on the first Sunday of Advent, was about holding our breath...about Hope.

Though I've not typically been a very traditionally minded person - not big on ritual - with my heart feeling as cold as it does, such rituals and deep traditions can bring great comfort. They seem to help me focus on what I know and trust deep within - whether or not my cold and sad heart actually feels it.

Hope.

Week 48: Photographer's Choice

After all, through it all - and maybe more than ever - I do still believe: Hope, Peace, Joy, Love... Christ.

Decking the halls, holly jolly, gifts, and being told to be of good cheer, on the other hand -- humbug!

Yet, so enamored was I, that I was not even remotely thinking of this as a new at 42 when I embarked on making an Advent wreath. In fact, I didn't even realize it until I started writing this post. Nonetheless, creating the wreath, and focusing on the season of Advent, is new number 17.

While I'm not sure if this is the best photo, or the best way to show the spirit of the Advent wreath, it really struck a chord with me. I love the beauty of the colors of it on our table, but this photo to me best illustrated the light - the hope - in the darkness.

Yes, the lighting of the first Advent Candle is indeed a symbol of hope,“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness — on them light has shined.” (Isaiah 9:2)

My cup overfloweth

It really does! 

Week 47 of Photo 52: Thankful

As hard as it is for me to accept my certain heartbreak,
I am also so keenly aware of my blessings, every - single - day.
They are big and they are small... and they are precious.
They are pure grace!

My cup overfloweth, indeed, and I am so thankful!

And so, I just wish I could stop also feeling as awful as I do.

Sweet sixteen

I am 16 going on 17 -

innocent as a rose...

Bachelor dandies,

Drinkers of brandies - 

What do I know of those?

Yours truly, age 16

Here we are at new number sweet 16! Last night I was thinking that 16 doesn't seem very far into my challenge, so I started to worry that I might fail, because you know, that's what I do... worry. Another thing I do, is the math. I may worry a lot, but my rational nature keeps me sane, so I did the math. 

Prepare to be wowed: at 37% along in my journey to 43, I have accomplished 38% of my goal! That's not too bad, huh! So now I'm feeling a bit better about my progress again. Math - never my best subject, but definitely my friend more often than not. 

As for sweet sixteen, it may seem a little boring - not like canoeing or a $42 wine - and there's no one major thing to say that I actually DID, but added up, it definitely counts. 

The only problem is that I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe by the time I finish writing I'll know what to call it. Are you scared - maybe that means I'm going to write for a really long time. Well, it wouldn't be the first time; we'll see how it goes.

Part of why I was worried was that this has been a rather busy time - work and socially. Plus the short, cold days haven't helped me get out and new very much, but then I realized that my sweet 16 new has been a bit quieter and deeper new, but important because it involves a more concentrated effort to move forward. Yes, I've made a few, very small, steps to move forward. 

First, as I've done a lot of reflecting on this harsh post that I wrote a few weeks back, I've been more and more convicted about how I do not want infertility to have robbed me of my compassion to anyone - including those who are so blessed with that which I am denied. Sadly, it's not easy. 

However, without going into great detail, very recently I intentionally and thoughtfully took two opportunities to offer kindness beyond what my heart feels, to someone who is so blessed - and a bonus offer for a future kindness. It's a small step, and it shouldn't be such a big deal to me, and it shouldn't have been so difficult for me, but this is how it is. I feel good that I did it, though I made myself act beyond where my heart and mind fully is. So, question: does that make me a hypocrite? 

Or is being hypocritical more about intention? If my intention is good - if I'm acting in a manner that's right so that I may be a better person - does that preclude me from being a hypocrite? Something to think about, I suppose, but I feel okay about it. After all, my heart wants to want it, even though it doesn't quite want. That's part A.

Part B: In a related, but completely different vein, I have been working toward being more open and more assertive. In the openness category, I posted a ridiculously vulnerable status on The Facebook recently. We drove past my old infertility clinic and just like that... I burst into tears. This is who I am. It's not an unusual experience. While fortunately, I rarely have occasion to drive by the clinic, to be honest, I burst into weepy tears on a seriously rather alarmingly regular basis. The reminders of my grief and loss and inability are all around me. 

Yet this particular display of horrid grief, I decided to be more open about. Stupid, right. 

Well, I only posted it to a small group of my friends, who I expected to be more understanding of such a post, but still, it was a significantly bigger group than I normally would share anything of this nature with. I've always been a pretty open and extroverted person, yet being open about infertility has rarely led to anything positive, and is generally not socially acceptable. This has changed me a bit over the years - lessened my exuberance for many things, including relationships. Now when I meet a new person, or reacquaint with an old friend, immediately I fear when they will ask me about kids - and what horrible thing will they say after that. This fear is grounded in far too much experience. It seems I just don't know how to be normal anymore.

So I figure, maybe if I could try to integrate my life better - my life as an infertile, with my life as a happy-go-lucky gal - maybe I'd feel more sane and less ticked off at the world. Maybe compassion wouldn't feel so impossible. Well, anyhow, it went okay, I suppose. I definitely received some love, which is always so welcome! I'm so grateful for the friends who've been there for me with a kind word or a hug - real or electronic.

While I have since been oft tempted to delete my post, I haven't. It's best to not be afraid to be who I am, just because some people won't care, or others might think it's weird or unseemly, right. Validation is highly over rated, after all. (Yeah right!) Well, I'd like it to be highly over rated to me, anyhow.

Part C: Lastly, related to my work, and again I'll spare the details, but I've decided it's time to become more assertive about certain things... to take some steps to try to improve a couple issues, rather than sitting around and hoping it'll get better. I am not a fan of tooting my own horn and being assertive about myself is difficult, but today I bit the bullet and asked a big question - and got positive feedback about it. Nothing is certain yet, there's no guarantee of change, but that I would even take this step is huge for me - and definitely new.

So there you have it, three acts of.... difficult kindness, vulnerable openness, unfamiliar assertiveness. Hmm, what do we call that?  The unnamed sweet 16!?! I'm open to suggestions of how to summarize that - please comment below, if you have one. 

And thanks for reading!  Here's another little reward for you having made it through. Enjoy! 

Ahh, to be sweet 16, again!  

Totally unprepared am I,

To face a world of men!

Timid and shy and scared am I...

Of things beyond my kin!!

Comfort zone

It seems to me that I've not done a single new thing since my photo walk on October 19th. Hmm, how can this be? Well, work has been very busy, and I was rather under the weather too - there were also a couple birthday girls to celebrate. Then I was out of town this past weekend, but I didn't go anywhere new and the reason I went there was for some old, and oh so dear, friends.

Indeed, I don't think a single new thing really happened, even on my trip - and wonderfully so! After all, "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

The comfort of meeting up with dear old friends!

I suppose that between a lot of work stress, having a nasty cold, and the first snows and cold of winter, staying in my comfort zone for a few weeks isn't so awful, is it?

Appropriately enough, last week's photo theme was comfort. It wasn't hard to think of things that comfort me, especially since I spend a good amount of time seeking and enjoying them. Probably too much.

One might make the argument that I've been having a rather bumpy go of it these last several years, so maybe I deserve a little extra comfort.

Week 46 of Photo 52: Bumpy --  mmm, bumpy never tasted so good!

Fair enough. Everything has its season, after all, and so - as my storm rages on - I'll not feel bad for nestling into the comforts that I'm so blessed with... provided I remember that comfort is not the goal, and that it is better still to comfort, than to be comforted.

Week 45: Comfort

Yes, yes - faith, hope, love... and home. Where would I be without these? These have been my saving grace in the storm. Whatever else I am, I am thankful - so very thankful - for these comforts. 

With love, HJ

Beguiled

October

O hushed October morning mild,

Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;

Tomorrow’s wind, if it be wild,

Should waste them all.

The crows above the forest call;

Tomorrow they may form and go.

O hushed October morning mild,

Begin the hours of this day slow.

Make the day seem to us less brief.

Hearts not averse to being beguiled,

Beguile us in the way you know.

Release one leaf at break of day;

At noon release another leaf;

One from our trees, one far away.

Retard the sun with gentle mist;

Enchant the land with amethyst.

Slow, slow!

For the grapes’ sake, if they were all,

Whose leaves already are burnt with frost,

Whose clustered fruit must else be lost—

For the grapes’ sake along the wall.

(Robert Frost) 

I didn't really want October to come this year because, though it is typically a lovely month, the days become noticeably shorter, and then comes winter. I consider it my last stand against the cruel forces that are to come, so it leaves me with mixed feelings. Still, I think I jumped all in and overall, it was indeed a lovely month!

It was full of love...

surprises...  (a cruise to the Bahamas is in my near future!)

and sweet treats.

Week 43 of Photo 52: Treat

There were even attempts at trickery!

Bonus Photo 52: Trick

Unfortunately, this strangely backfired, since it seems people thought this eyeball stew looked like certain other body parts, apparently.... (I had to be told what they were referring to - I just didn't see it.) Sigh. Maybe I should just stick with what I know. If only I knew what that was. Regardless, this was fun and silly to do and I thoroughly enjoyed doing it. Tasty too!

There were certainly new things, among which, though I am not officially counting it so, was this attempt at a long exposure photo.

Week 44 of Photo 52: Photographer's Choice

I chose it as my photographer's choice photo for October because, 1) I seriously love our adorable jack o' lanterns, 2) I spent an entire evening trying to get this right, and 3) spending an evening trying to get it right was really good therapy for what had been a particularly unpleasant day (month) at work. It's not really a very good photo, I know, but I did have good fun working on it!

Also, there has been some serious grappling with some ongoing issues, which I don't seem to ever make any real progress on. Still, anxious and beaten down though I be, I keep on... and have had good fun along the way. That's something, I suppose.

Farewell October. 

This camera was made for walkin'...

...and that's just what it did! It walked all over the Stone Arch Bridge, in fact!

Indeed, my fabulous Photo 52 group went on a photo walk last weekend, which brought me my number 15 new: walking over the Stone Arch Bridge.

From its official website: The Stone Arch Bridge is the only bridge of its kind over the Mississippi River. It is made of native granite and limestone, and measures 2100-feet long by 28-feet wide. The bridge consists of 23 arches, and spans the river below St. Anthony Falls in Minneapolis, MN.

Though I've enjoyed the St. Anthony Main area restaurants over the years, I've never photographed, or walked over, the famous Stone Arch Bridge - and now I have! This was actually something that was on my wish list to do. It's not that it would have been difficult to accomplish, but so often we never explore the places in our own back yard... so a photo walk with friends, old and new, was a perfect way to accomplish it.

For some reason, I did not do a good job of documenting the lunch or get a group shot, which I wish I'd have done. So, I guess I'll just jump right in.

Here's our fearless leader, Tracy. She's simply the best!!

Here are her cute feet...  Please believe that I'm not really a foot stalker - I just thought the little leaf that found its way onto her shoe was kinda cute. Ahh, fall!

Wait - did someone say fall? This doesn't look like October!

Here's Melissa, another dear friend, taking shelter under the tree.

Yet, through rain, snow, sleet and hail... the Photo 52 walk will prevail! (Brrrrrr!!)

Good thing one of us brought an umbrella! I, as usual, dressed completely inappropriately for the weather. That's not entirely true, I am normally dressed appropriately for summer. Anyhow, there's no photo of me in my batch, but trust me - I looked like a drowned rat, though a happy one!

Aww - V! She is so good at getting down low for really different - and wonderful - perspectives!  I like her perspectives on life, too.

Crunch!

There it is! A real beauty, right!?!

So, in the photo below, do you see that sign in the background, with the star on it? It reads, "Northstar Blankets" I asked my friend, Emily, "What do the Northstar Blankets play - that's a really strange team name?"  She was like,"Well... I think they make blankets." Go figure... Northstar Blankets makes blankets.

I wonder if I ate a lot of paint chips when I was a kid. I really like this photo a lot though, even if I'll feel a little like a dunce every time I look at it.

St. Anthony Main.... that's another weird name for a sports team. Hmm.

 
Once the rain cleared up, it was a quite lovely autumn day.

Beautiful colors everywhere!

Next time I have to be sure to get a shot of Tracy's face though...

Views from the bridge.

The change in the sky was rather dramatic!

A little musical interlude.

On the other side and underneath.

It really is a gorgeous old bridge!

Then afterward, freezing our trigger fingers off, Emily and I went for a little warm-up at the Aster.

Best chocolate lava cake - ever!

So that's that - number 15 and then some.

Photo 52 has been a fantastic, and enlightening, experience for me. I'm so thankful for it! And feeling rather sad that this is already week 43 now...  where does the time go?