Am I pushing myself too hard? It's possible my efforts toward difficult kindnesses, openness, and assertiveness are making me feel more vulnerable - thus increasing my sensitivity - but still, I'm not really pushing myself all that hard. Maybe it's just that it's holiday time again and the holidays have become, to me, the opposite of what they are meant to mean.
After all, the holly jolly, sweet wide-eyed children, elf on the shelf (whatever that is) version of it I see all around me... well, this is a version I can never have. Oh how I want that version. While it may not be as perfect as their photos make it seem, that doesn't make it any less perfect, does it?
Oh how I long for those special cookie baking, tree trimming good times with our own sweet wide eyed kiddies. Their waking up on Christmas morning wonder... the beauty of continuing generations through the years. But no, that's not for me.
Yes, I've grown to - so very much - not love this time of year.
The ridiculously early darkness doesn't help even a little. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this winter, to be brutally honest.
Well, next week is the Bahamas... so I should be able to get through the next two weeks, but after that, who knows. Ugh! I just feel so completely awful - a failure at every turn. I can usually set that aside and feel fun and lively enough when interacting with others, or out and about doing things. In these colder, darker days though, I don't really want to be out and about.
Though I otherwise don't plan to decorate for Christmas this year, I decided I needed to make an Advent wreath. I didn't grow up with any kind of Advent tradition, but our current church follows the church calendar - and I just love it! I'm not sure why we didn't focus on it more growing up. Today's sermon, on the first Sunday of Advent, was about holding our breath...about Hope.
Though I've not typically been a very traditionally minded person - not big on ritual - with my heart feeling as cold as it does, such rituals and deep traditions can bring great comfort. They seem to help me focus on what I know and trust deep within - whether or not my cold and sad heart actually feels it.
Hope.
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| Week 48: Photographer's Choice |
Decking the halls, holly jolly, gifts, and being told to be of good cheer, on the other hand -- humbug!
Yet, so enamored was I, that I was not even remotely thinking of this as a new at 42 when I embarked on making an Advent wreath. In fact, I didn't even realize it until I started writing this post. Nonetheless, creating the wreath, and focusing on the season of Advent, is new number 17.
While I'm not sure if this is the best photo, or the best way to show the spirit of the Advent wreath, it really struck a chord with me. I love the beauty of the colors of it on our table, but this photo to me best illustrated the light - the hope - in the darkness.
Yes, the lighting of the first Advent Candle is indeed a symbol of hope,“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness — on them light has shined.” (Isaiah 9:2)
Narrow your gaze to that light of hope and look past the darkness. Focus on that which is right and good. You are a lens to God's light for many people, and we need that from you. Sometimes though you need to soak up and absorb the energy from those around you (including your gallant sir Reckie) and allow that re-charge to occur so you can continue to project the light of God's gift.
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