My cup overfloweth

It really does! 

Week 47 of Photo 52: Thankful

As hard as it is for me to accept my certain heartbreak,
I am also so keenly aware of my blessings, every - single - day.
They are big and they are small... and they are precious.
They are pure grace!

My cup overfloweth, indeed, and I am so thankful!

And so, I just wish I could stop also feeling as awful as I do.

Sweet sixteen

I am 16 going on 17 -

innocent as a rose...

Bachelor dandies,

Drinkers of brandies - 

What do I know of those?

Yours truly, age 16

Here we are at new number sweet 16! Last night I was thinking that 16 doesn't seem very far into my challenge, so I started to worry that I might fail, because you know, that's what I do... worry. Another thing I do, is the math. I may worry a lot, but my rational nature keeps me sane, so I did the math. 

Prepare to be wowed: at 37% along in my journey to 43, I have accomplished 38% of my goal! That's not too bad, huh! So now I'm feeling a bit better about my progress again. Math - never my best subject, but definitely my friend more often than not. 

As for sweet sixteen, it may seem a little boring - not like canoeing or a $42 wine - and there's no one major thing to say that I actually DID, but added up, it definitely counts. 

The only problem is that I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe by the time I finish writing I'll know what to call it. Are you scared - maybe that means I'm going to write for a really long time. Well, it wouldn't be the first time; we'll see how it goes.

Part of why I was worried was that this has been a rather busy time - work and socially. Plus the short, cold days haven't helped me get out and new very much, but then I realized that my sweet 16 new has been a bit quieter and deeper new, but important because it involves a more concentrated effort to move forward. Yes, I've made a few, very small, steps to move forward. 

First, as I've done a lot of reflecting on this harsh post that I wrote a few weeks back, I've been more and more convicted about how I do not want infertility to have robbed me of my compassion to anyone - including those who are so blessed with that which I am denied. Sadly, it's not easy. 

However, without going into great detail, very recently I intentionally and thoughtfully took two opportunities to offer kindness beyond what my heart feels, to someone who is so blessed - and a bonus offer for a future kindness. It's a small step, and it shouldn't be such a big deal to me, and it shouldn't have been so difficult for me, but this is how it is. I feel good that I did it, though I made myself act beyond where my heart and mind fully is. So, question: does that make me a hypocrite? 

Or is being hypocritical more about intention? If my intention is good - if I'm acting in a manner that's right so that I may be a better person - does that preclude me from being a hypocrite? Something to think about, I suppose, but I feel okay about it. After all, my heart wants to want it, even though it doesn't quite want. That's part A.

Part B: In a related, but completely different vein, I have been working toward being more open and more assertive. In the openness category, I posted a ridiculously vulnerable status on The Facebook recently. We drove past my old infertility clinic and just like that... I burst into tears. This is who I am. It's not an unusual experience. While fortunately, I rarely have occasion to drive by the clinic, to be honest, I burst into weepy tears on a seriously rather alarmingly regular basis. The reminders of my grief and loss and inability are all around me. 

Yet this particular display of horrid grief, I decided to be more open about. Stupid, right. 

Well, I only posted it to a small group of my friends, who I expected to be more understanding of such a post, but still, it was a significantly bigger group than I normally would share anything of this nature with. I've always been a pretty open and extroverted person, yet being open about infertility has rarely led to anything positive, and is generally not socially acceptable. This has changed me a bit over the years - lessened my exuberance for many things, including relationships. Now when I meet a new person, or reacquaint with an old friend, immediately I fear when they will ask me about kids - and what horrible thing will they say after that. This fear is grounded in far too much experience. It seems I just don't know how to be normal anymore.

So I figure, maybe if I could try to integrate my life better - my life as an infertile, with my life as a happy-go-lucky gal - maybe I'd feel more sane and less ticked off at the world. Maybe compassion wouldn't feel so impossible. Well, anyhow, it went okay, I suppose. I definitely received some love, which is always so welcome! I'm so grateful for the friends who've been there for me with a kind word or a hug - real or electronic.

While I have since been oft tempted to delete my post, I haven't. It's best to not be afraid to be who I am, just because some people won't care, or others might think it's weird or unseemly, right. Validation is highly over rated, after all. (Yeah right!) Well, I'd like it to be highly over rated to me, anyhow.

Part C: Lastly, related to my work, and again I'll spare the details, but I've decided it's time to become more assertive about certain things... to take some steps to try to improve a couple issues, rather than sitting around and hoping it'll get better. I am not a fan of tooting my own horn and being assertive about myself is difficult, but today I bit the bullet and asked a big question - and got positive feedback about it. Nothing is certain yet, there's no guarantee of change, but that I would even take this step is huge for me - and definitely new.

So there you have it, three acts of.... difficult kindness, vulnerable openness, unfamiliar assertiveness. Hmm, what do we call that?  The unnamed sweet 16!?! I'm open to suggestions of how to summarize that - please comment below, if you have one. 

And thanks for reading!  Here's another little reward for you having made it through. Enjoy! 

Ahh, to be sweet 16, again!  

Totally unprepared am I,

To face a world of men!

Timid and shy and scared am I...

Of things beyond my kin!!

Comfort zone

It seems to me that I've not done a single new thing since my photo walk on October 19th. Hmm, how can this be? Well, work has been very busy, and I was rather under the weather too - there were also a couple birthday girls to celebrate. Then I was out of town this past weekend, but I didn't go anywhere new and the reason I went there was for some old, and oh so dear, friends.

Indeed, I don't think a single new thing really happened, even on my trip - and wonderfully so! After all, "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

The comfort of meeting up with dear old friends!

I suppose that between a lot of work stress, having a nasty cold, and the first snows and cold of winter, staying in my comfort zone for a few weeks isn't so awful, is it?

Appropriately enough, last week's photo theme was comfort. It wasn't hard to think of things that comfort me, especially since I spend a good amount of time seeking and enjoying them. Probably too much.

One might make the argument that I've been having a rather bumpy go of it these last several years, so maybe I deserve a little extra comfort.

Week 46 of Photo 52: Bumpy --  mmm, bumpy never tasted so good!

Fair enough. Everything has its season, after all, and so - as my storm rages on - I'll not feel bad for nestling into the comforts that I'm so blessed with... provided I remember that comfort is not the goal, and that it is better still to comfort, than to be comforted.

Week 45: Comfort

Yes, yes - faith, hope, love... and home. Where would I be without these? These have been my saving grace in the storm. Whatever else I am, I am thankful - so very thankful - for these comforts. 

With love, HJ

Beguiled

October

O hushed October morning mild,

Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;

Tomorrow’s wind, if it be wild,

Should waste them all.

The crows above the forest call;

Tomorrow they may form and go.

O hushed October morning mild,

Begin the hours of this day slow.

Make the day seem to us less brief.

Hearts not averse to being beguiled,

Beguile us in the way you know.

Release one leaf at break of day;

At noon release another leaf;

One from our trees, one far away.

Retard the sun with gentle mist;

Enchant the land with amethyst.

Slow, slow!

For the grapes’ sake, if they were all,

Whose leaves already are burnt with frost,

Whose clustered fruit must else be lost—

For the grapes’ sake along the wall.

(Robert Frost) 

I didn't really want October to come this year because, though it is typically a lovely month, the days become noticeably shorter, and then comes winter. I consider it my last stand against the cruel forces that are to come, so it leaves me with mixed feelings. Still, I think I jumped all in and overall, it was indeed a lovely month!

It was full of love...

surprises...  (a cruise to the Bahamas is in my near future!)

and sweet treats.

Week 43 of Photo 52: Treat

There were even attempts at trickery!

Bonus Photo 52: Trick

Unfortunately, this strangely backfired, since it seems people thought this eyeball stew looked like certain other body parts, apparently.... (I had to be told what they were referring to - I just didn't see it.) Sigh. Maybe I should just stick with what I know. If only I knew what that was. Regardless, this was fun and silly to do and I thoroughly enjoyed doing it. Tasty too!

There were certainly new things, among which, though I am not officially counting it so, was this attempt at a long exposure photo.

Week 44 of Photo 52: Photographer's Choice

I chose it as my photographer's choice photo for October because, 1) I seriously love our adorable jack o' lanterns, 2) I spent an entire evening trying to get this right, and 3) spending an evening trying to get it right was really good therapy for what had been a particularly unpleasant day (month) at work. It's not really a very good photo, I know, but I did have good fun working on it!

Also, there has been some serious grappling with some ongoing issues, which I don't seem to ever make any real progress on. Still, anxious and beaten down though I be, I keep on... and have had good fun along the way. That's something, I suppose.

Farewell October.