Sweet sixteen

I am 16 going on 17 -

innocent as a rose...

Bachelor dandies,

Drinkers of brandies - 

What do I know of those?

Yours truly, age 16

Here we are at new number sweet 16! Last night I was thinking that 16 doesn't seem very far into my challenge, so I started to worry that I might fail, because you know, that's what I do... worry. Another thing I do, is the math. I may worry a lot, but my rational nature keeps me sane, so I did the math. 

Prepare to be wowed: at 37% along in my journey to 43, I have accomplished 38% of my goal! That's not too bad, huh! So now I'm feeling a bit better about my progress again. Math - never my best subject, but definitely my friend more often than not. 

As for sweet sixteen, it may seem a little boring - not like canoeing or a $42 wine - and there's no one major thing to say that I actually DID, but added up, it definitely counts. 

The only problem is that I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe by the time I finish writing I'll know what to call it. Are you scared - maybe that means I'm going to write for a really long time. Well, it wouldn't be the first time; we'll see how it goes.

Part of why I was worried was that this has been a rather busy time - work and socially. Plus the short, cold days haven't helped me get out and new very much, but then I realized that my sweet 16 new has been a bit quieter and deeper new, but important because it involves a more concentrated effort to move forward. Yes, I've made a few, very small, steps to move forward. 

First, as I've done a lot of reflecting on this harsh post that I wrote a few weeks back, I've been more and more convicted about how I do not want infertility to have robbed me of my compassion to anyone - including those who are so blessed with that which I am denied. Sadly, it's not easy. 

However, without going into great detail, very recently I intentionally and thoughtfully took two opportunities to offer kindness beyond what my heart feels, to someone who is so blessed - and a bonus offer for a future kindness. It's a small step, and it shouldn't be such a big deal to me, and it shouldn't have been so difficult for me, but this is how it is. I feel good that I did it, though I made myself act beyond where my heart and mind fully is. So, question: does that make me a hypocrite? 

Or is being hypocritical more about intention? If my intention is good - if I'm acting in a manner that's right so that I may be a better person - does that preclude me from being a hypocrite? Something to think about, I suppose, but I feel okay about it. After all, my heart wants to want it, even though it doesn't quite want. That's part A.

Part B: In a related, but completely different vein, I have been working toward being more open and more assertive. In the openness category, I posted a ridiculously vulnerable status on The Facebook recently. We drove past my old infertility clinic and just like that... I burst into tears. This is who I am. It's not an unusual experience. While fortunately, I rarely have occasion to drive by the clinic, to be honest, I burst into weepy tears on a seriously rather alarmingly regular basis. The reminders of my grief and loss and inability are all around me. 

Yet this particular display of horrid grief, I decided to be more open about. Stupid, right. 

Well, I only posted it to a small group of my friends, who I expected to be more understanding of such a post, but still, it was a significantly bigger group than I normally would share anything of this nature with. I've always been a pretty open and extroverted person, yet being open about infertility has rarely led to anything positive, and is generally not socially acceptable. This has changed me a bit over the years - lessened my exuberance for many things, including relationships. Now when I meet a new person, or reacquaint with an old friend, immediately I fear when they will ask me about kids - and what horrible thing will they say after that. This fear is grounded in far too much experience. It seems I just don't know how to be normal anymore.

So I figure, maybe if I could try to integrate my life better - my life as an infertile, with my life as a happy-go-lucky gal - maybe I'd feel more sane and less ticked off at the world. Maybe compassion wouldn't feel so impossible. Well, anyhow, it went okay, I suppose. I definitely received some love, which is always so welcome! I'm so grateful for the friends who've been there for me with a kind word or a hug - real or electronic.

While I have since been oft tempted to delete my post, I haven't. It's best to not be afraid to be who I am, just because some people won't care, or others might think it's weird or unseemly, right. Validation is highly over rated, after all. (Yeah right!) Well, I'd like it to be highly over rated to me, anyhow.

Part C: Lastly, related to my work, and again I'll spare the details, but I've decided it's time to become more assertive about certain things... to take some steps to try to improve a couple issues, rather than sitting around and hoping it'll get better. I am not a fan of tooting my own horn and being assertive about myself is difficult, but today I bit the bullet and asked a big question - and got positive feedback about it. Nothing is certain yet, there's no guarantee of change, but that I would even take this step is huge for me - and definitely new.

So there you have it, three acts of.... difficult kindness, vulnerable openness, unfamiliar assertiveness. Hmm, what do we call that?  The unnamed sweet 16!?! I'm open to suggestions of how to summarize that - please comment below, if you have one. 

And thanks for reading!  Here's another little reward for you having made it through. Enjoy! 

Ahh, to be sweet 16, again!  

Totally unprepared am I,

To face a world of men!

Timid and shy and scared am I...

Of things beyond my kin!!