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| Week 37 of Photo 52: Bold |
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| Week 36 of Photo 52: Back |
Well, it wasn't only that he picks me up when I'm back. (Or down.) It's also because I'm always so happy when we are back together - and mostly because he's the one who truly always has my back. Not that others wouldn't, but my dearest love, my R, he's the one on this earth that I truly believe always has it. I told you it was a bit stretchy, but it makes sense to me. So this photo was me snapping away as he grabbed my bags to put them in the car - and him, as often, saying, "Woman! What are you doing?" And chuckling over the craziness of me snapping photos at such a strange moment. Poor cutie guy - he's never safe.
Ahh, yes, so the flights were okay. I've not had to use Xanax for them lately, so that's good because it means I've been a bit better at being able to manage the anxiety again.
Still, it fascinates me how various people respond to knowing of this anxiety. It's helped me to be more open about my anxiety, in general. It seems to help others sometimes, too - an unexpected perk. Seems others have anxiety issues too, but felt too embarrassed to talk about them. My sharing has helped them to share and not not feel so alone.
For many people who don't have such issues like this, they often tend to think it's something one can just get over. I was told that again last week when I was in San Diego (for work). "Well, once you fly more often, you'll get over that." I tell them, I've been to Siberia, Honduras, Hawaii - and all over the U.S. - by air, and the anxiety remains. I'm not a stranger to air travel - I'm just afraid of it. Each flight is a new encounter. To me it's less important to get over it, than it is to face it - and not let it stop me. If someday I'm over it, it'll be a happy surprise, but it's not my goal.
It's an interesting thing to me, this general notion that one should just get over things. Sure, there are things that one gets over, but there are other things - things that shake us to the core, that change us in parts of our heart that are so deep we weren't even aware they were there. I am all too aware that many people also think that I should get over this IF thing. It doesn't work like that. It's become part of me.
It's changed me, no doubt. Not all the changes are good, and I continue to work on those areas, but it's more important to me that I keep facing it - and not let it stop me - than it is for me to try to get over it, which would be an impossibility.
Do we get over losing those we love so much? No, never. Never! Those losses are part of life and they become part of us, but we don't get over them. We learn to live with them; we learn - hopefully - to use the pain and the heartache to love better and care more.
It's better, methinks, to love and be loved from where we are, than to tell, or be told, to get over it - even if it's meant out of concern. Let's not grow weary in our love. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but people still need whatever time they need to work through things - and there are wounds that forever change us. Love is still stronger than that, if we let it be.
I am a broken woman, who is often cold, bitter, slow and lacking in grace and faith. It still happens way more often than I want to share that a mere comment about parenthood, or a photo of someone's cute kid is enough to reduce me to endless sobbing. (Back to school this last month is always brutal that way.) It's so hard to me that this - childlessnes - is the outcome for us. So hard. So hard to believe that it's true.
Yeah, this is all beyond hard and not something one gets over. Not something I will ever get over. And that's okay because this is the life I have, and life - which is always a gift -still longs to live. Whatever good may come of all of this, and I trust some will because this too shall not go unredeemed, it will not be of my own doing - and I'll be grateful for it.
In the meantime, it certainly takes a measure of boldness to keep on, and what a blessing to have someone who truly has my back. I'm grateful!
I am a broken woman, who is often cold, bitter, slow and lacking in grace and faith. It still happens way more often than I want to share that a mere comment about parenthood, or a photo of someone's cute kid is enough to reduce me to endless sobbing. (Back to school this last month is always brutal that way.) It's so hard to me that this - childlessnes - is the outcome for us. So hard. So hard to believe that it's true.
Yeah, this is all beyond hard and not something one gets over. Not something I will ever get over. And that's okay because this is the life I have, and life - which is always a gift -still longs to live. Whatever good may come of all of this, and I trust some will because this too shall not go unredeemed, it will not be of my own doing - and I'll be grateful for it.
In the meantime, it certainly takes a measure of boldness to keep on, and what a blessing to have someone who truly has my back. I'm grateful!
