What's fair got to do with it?

Some days the unfairness of things just overwhelms me. Today was one of those days. It really bothers me that this is always with me. After all, the idea of fairness in these matters is delusional thinking. Besides, if it were about fairness, in so many ways I've been given way more than my share. How I wish I could just right-click and delete that file - and the other files of negative thought. Yet they too are part of me and my story. No, I'm not going to blather on again. I've done that a million times - there's nothing new to say. It just hurts. It hurts so very much.

Oh, but I am also thankful.

Week 14 of Photo 52: Hands 

I sometimes fear what a disappointment I must be to R. Yet strangely, all evidence points to the contrary. Today he even told me how proud he is of me - that he knows from me that being strong doesn't mean never crying, never being hurt - and that it doesn't mean not falling down. He's proud because I always get back up and keep going, and because I continue to care despite the hurt. How strange is that?

Yeah, if life were about fairness, it sure worked in my favor - in a big way - in this regard.

Week 15 of Photo 52: Silhouette 

He even willingly tromps around town with me, helping me with my photography themes. Here he is doing a victory fist pump after I told him I think I got the money shot - then I snapped his fist pump and realized that it totally trumped my original money shot. He's the best!

Life isn't about fairness, and it doesn't necessarily go the way we want. Sometimes that works in our favor; sometimes it doesn't. Though my heart feels otherwise, it's okay. At least it'll be okay. Perhaps this too shall not pass, but it will not go unredeemed.

Life breaks and falls apart,

But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing.

It may be unfulfilled;

It may be unrestored;

But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord,

Just watch and see –

It will not be unredeemed.

(Selah)

Finding me

New 27b: Taking another step in appreciation and awareness of my Twin Cities - and on a much lighter, more frivolous level - I decided to become a tourist in Minneapolis. My friend E wanted to go to the Secret Garden flower show downtown - I was game. We weren't meeting until 5:15 or so, but I got to hankering for more New, so I decided to head down a few hours early and tourist about.

It's sad that after 18 years here (wow - 18, really?) there's so much I've never done - like, um - almost everything. Well, yesterday, I still may not have done much, but I enjoyed the downtown city life - just because! (Usually I'm only downtown for an annual work meeting.) Exploring more is definitely in order!

Sadly, I'd forgotten to bring my beret...

 As I wandered around, I enjoyed many lovely city sights...

...a beautiful blue sky,

Week 18 of Photo 52: Photographer's Whim

and some unexpected tunes!

I even picked up one of R's favorite treats - fresh Chicago Mix popcorn from Candy Land!

Somehow, amazingly, I managed to resist buying myself a treat.

Week 16 of Photo 52: Through the Window

Then onto the Secret Garden... which was pretty amazing to behold!

Full of floral memories...   

Is it just me, or do certain flowers, like songs, always remind you of someone you love? 

Amaryllis remind me of my dad. 

My dad and his love for me 

- his generosity of spirit and his love for the art of growing - 

for beauty. 

And for his hopes and dreams of the future he didn't quite get, as he also left far too young.

I do love Amaryllis!

Daffodils! 

Daffodils remind me of R. 

It's funny, I see my dad's generous love and hope for life

 - and appreciation of nature -

in my husband. 

On the surface, you wouldn't think they were similar - and there are many differences, of course, 

but many of their basic values - and their optimism - are very similar. 

R and I wouldn't be together today if it weren't for Daffodils. 

That may be slightly dramatized, 

but only slightly... 

Realistically, it could have been roses or an apple or a stolen hotel pen, 

that became lovely perseverance, understanding, and tenderness in R's hands, 

but the fact is - it was Daffodils.

Lucky Daffodils! 

I sure do love Daffodils!

 Perhaps needless to say, the aroma in this Secret Garden was so gorgeous and lavish!

 Mmm, smells like spring! 

It was so lovely an aroma,

That I even installed a new app on my blog so you all can enjoy the scent with me.

Go ahead - try it! Just scratch and sniff the tulips above!

Mmm, nice, isn't it?

For some, finding themselves takes much time and effort.
For me, I just needed to go to the Secret Garden.
Who knew it was so easy to find oneself?

Ah yes, it was a fun day, filled with lots of good walking in the fresh air and sunshine - and lots of beauty. 

It should come as no surprise that once I got home, I slept like a rock...

Yup, I enjoyed New number 27 very much - parts a and b.

The world as best as I can remember it

"In the end it won't matter if you have a few scars...

...but it will matter if you didn't live." (Rich Mullins)

New 27a: A couple weeks ago my friend V and I went to a church in Minneapolis to see the independent film about the life of Rich Mullins, "Ragamuffin." Rich, as you are likely to know if you've known me and/or my blogs for very long, has long been my favorite music artist - whose words and legacy continue to deeply affect my life.

"Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved - and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken..." (Rich Mullins)

The movie was beautiful! It was so well done, and so true to life - portraying Rich as the ragamuffin he was... a man of incredible musical talent - with a love for God... a man who seemed to so truly seek to know and to love like Jesus. A man who knew the depths of his own loneliness, brokenness, and depravity - and the depths of God's love and grace.

It was hard not to sing along the whole way. (According to V, I did... oops!) It was so hard to see the end, though I knew it was coming, of course. And it was hard to not think of my friend Adam, who introduced me to Rich so many years ago... They both left us far too young - they are both so very missed.

"...All I really need to know 

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time 

We can't see what's ahead 

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears 

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how

You're leading me unless 

You've led me here 

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led 

And so You've been here all along I guess...."

(Hard to Get by Rich Mullins)

It took a while to write of this one because - I don't know - it just really hit me that hard. The emotions that are intertwined with Adam, the loss of Adam and of Rich, the content itself - of a broken man - and the reckless raging fury - that they call the love of God.

"There's a wideness in God's mercy 

I cannot find in my own 

And He keeps His fire burning 

To melt this heart of stone 

Keeps me aching with a yearning 

Keeps me glad to have been caught 

In the reckless raging fury 

That they call the love of God "
(The Love of God, by Rich Mullins)

Even though I have long loved Rich and would have always gone to see this - if I'd known of it - I'm counting this as a New because I am seeking to have a greater appreciation and awareness of what the Twin Cities - my cities of choice - offers. A big part of that really is the awareness part, which I'm often lacking.

I'm thankful that I became aware of my need to be more aware in time for the Ragamuffin movie.

27b will come tomorrow. 

Details, details...

Love is in the details.

In so many ways, love is in the details.

In my marriage, I love to tend to the details. By no stretch of the imagination am I perfect at this, but it is something I try to focus on. Sometimes this means perfecting dishes that R grew up on and treasures - though they were not previously an interest of mine, sometimes it's learning when to go on - and when to just let be, sometimes it's making the bed - though I prefer to snuggle back into it exactly the way I left it that morning. He more than reciprocates, and it's a lovely thing.

So when the Photo 52 theme of week 12 was details, the photo soon revealed itself because love is in the details. It's easy to say those three little words, and I'm a big fan of saying and hearing them, but really showing them is in the details... those thoughtful gestures that show we understand and we care. They seem all the more generous when we're tired or stressed out.

Week 12 of Photo 52: Details

Yeah, I kinda love that love is in the details. May we never grow lazy in our loves.

Really, so much of life is in the details, as well. That's the beauty of photography - and Photo 52. Seeking the details - no matter what the theme of the week is.

Speaking of details... New Number 26: I applied for a work committee - the kind for which you have to complete an application and submit a resume to be considered. It's a committee that only those with certain credentials can join. I'm not very career minded - never have been. Normally things like applying to committees are not details I mind very much. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with working and I like to help people and do good. If I can get paid to help people, all the better! It's a good thing! Still, I'm not career minded... I wanted to be a mom. More than likely, I would have still worked outside the home, at least part time, but that's where my heart has been for a long time.

Of course I've still done a good job always, minding the details of my position very well - even through so much sadness, pain, and brokenness - but haven't been super keen on really pushing myself further.

Lately I've found myself pushing myself a bit more. Is it because I'm feeling stronger, or because I've just had to accept that my dreams are not going to come true? I'm not sure, but I applied and was accepted for this committee. Applying has been an option for me before, but I never considered it. It's kind of cool that I was accepted. My boss really likes it, in any case. She was also quite complimentary of me the other day, regarding some other leadership issues, as well. She feels like I've grown a lot in that area this last six or seven months - much of what she was referring to was minding some important details. It was nice to hear, but kind of strange too. It's still not where my heart is.

Week 13 of Photo 52: Photographer's Prerogative

The human heart can hold so many conflicting emotions: see Juxta girl for more details on this.

Well, bittersweet or not, it seems that pushing forward in these somewhat above-and-beyond details of my work reinforces that maybe I'm growing a little stronger.

There are things in life that are unchangeable: get busy living, or get busy dying.

And all that jazz.