Juxta girl

What seems a lifetime ago, I had the pleasure of choosing this month's Photo 52 themes. (Thank you, Tracy!!) I aimed for a nice blend of gentle warm-up before moving into a bit more of a challenge. It's been fun and interesting to see the many interpretations of these themes that I really kinda labored over choosing. We have a lot of new faces in our group this year and it's been off to a great start, with loads of enthusiasm.

As for me, I've been running just a bit behind (for me, that is - there's no requirement), and am a bit out of order with posting my photos on here, so here goes with weeks  two and four.

The second week was a theme of "in the kitchen." This theme feels so close to my heart. The kitchen is the heart of the home for so many people. Shared meals are so much more than just body nourishment.

On top of my feelings about that, a huge part of my identity is as a cook. My time as head cook at camp: cherished! Lately I've been even more nostalgic than ever about those days, with the passing of my friend. (He was my head dish crew - and oh the times we had and oh the food I created.)

Even now, I love so much to make something wonderful for my R, especially on the weekends when I have time to indulge and experiment, and I still love to make everyone's favorite whenever I can. So it was a fun theme and a gentle theme.

This was my runner up for week two - mmm meatloaf with sweet potatoes, for my sweetie pie. 

Originally I was thinking I'd create some masterpiece of cooking, or some sort of fancy arrangement - something that exudes warmth, deliciousness, and a wow factor, but I'm not much of a wowwer - I'm just homey. Since so much of my cooking and kitchen treasures bring to mind precious memories and thoughts of those I cherish, the route I ended up taking just seemed most genuine: cookbooks.

Cookbooks are a bit of a weakness for me, not that I ever really use them as more than a suggested course, adapting them freely, but they're still absolute treasures. The ideas, the history, the depth of community - I love it! The one I used for the photograph was given to me by my mom last year - it's her favorite. It was a wedding gift to my parents. We grew up on a lot of the recipes from this well loved book.

Honestly, I was a little alarmed that she was giving this to me...  but she knows I love looking at recipes - and, really, she just doesn't cook as much anymore. Also, she said that she has all her favorites memorized, so no need for it. (Even though she's called me more than a few times asking me to email her some of the recipes...  oh mom! ☺)

So here you go - in case you need to know the way to a man's heart. That cracks me up every time I see it... and I just so dig those cute little dancing cooks!

Week 2 of Photo 52: In the Kitchen

I also sneaked a few other kitchen treasures into the background - other beloved cookbooks and the set of fishy glasses that P. gave me when I visited her in New York. And some chocolate, of course.

Yeah, I love this photo. It's simple and homey - it's me.

It also makes me sad. That's me too.

So many things that bring me joy also bring much sorrow. I'm a cook. The culture and memory of cooking together and sharing meals is so special to me... my family history, my camp history, so many friends, R's history - and the history we are making together. All of these and so much more I imagined teaching, and passing down, to our children. I loved having kids in the kitchen at camp with me, loved teaching how to follow and how to create. How I want that with our children. Maybe it wouldn't have taken. Maybe they wouldn't have cared to make their own breads or coconut stewed chicken. Maybe they wouldn't have valued from scratch comfort foods. Maybe they would have. One thing's certain: I'll never know.

This, this my friends, makes me very sad.

Just think, my mom felt so good passing her recipes on to me - prematurely, though it was. She loves when I want one of her recipes, or when I beg for her lasagna. I make a mean lasagna using her own recipe, myself - but I'll never stop begging mom to make it for me. It's the way it is - but not for me. Maybe it sounds inconsequential, but to me it's just another of so very many losses.

I try not to let it steal my exuberance for the kitchen, because I have R to take care of - and that is an honor in itself, but the loss is very difficult.

Sometimes joy is also sorrow.

Speaking of joy and sorrow dwelling together, week four of Photo 52 was juxtaposition. I picked this one for a challenge. I'd no idea what I'd do for it. As the month went on and tragedy struck, I wasn't so sure I was up for a challenge. Ahh, but a photo challenge is hard for me to resist - and, as always, great therapy.

I racked my brain for juxtaposition. Nothing I could think of really made the cut. I think I understand how to create juxtaposition more in the literary sense, photographic juxtaposition...hmm - tougher. Yet I wanted something that was true to me - and also lovely.

My friend V is such a dear. She sat with me for who knows how many hours, over delicious food over course, discussing juxtaposition. Granted, there were other topics and tangents, but we focused on juxtaposition. We often cracked ourselves up over some of our sillier ideas, alternating with staring off in different directions thinking deeply, which cracked us up more wondering what our waitress and miscellaneous passers-by might think seeing these two girls sitting in a booth together, but in their own worlds and looking kind of irked... not knowing we're really just thinking together. Still, by the end of the night, I had a better grasp on some possibilities.

In the morning, it came to me: lemons. It was a loose idea, but the old saying about when life hands us lemons was steeping in my heart. Of course there's a spin on that saying, adding that when life hands you lemons, find someone to whom life gave tequila - mix them together and have a party. Though I seldom use either of those phrases, it really got me thinking...  After all, we all get handed some lemons, but I'll be honest, I sometimes - cough, cough: always - think I may have gotten handed a few more than my fair share.

Yet, as a matter of fact, I've also been handed more than my share of amazing.

My life is one huge juxtaposition: overwhelming gratitude and inconsolable grief. I doubt I'm the first human to acknowledge the juxtaposition that is this life. To varying degrees, that is probably just part of the human experience, I imagine.

Week 4 of Photo 52: Juxtaposition

Lemons aren't always easy to juice thoroughly, but I'm trying... trying to make lemonade. I'm so very grateful that I was also handed so much glorious sugar (gahhhhh - sugggar!!!) and even a few splashes of tequila. Still, those lemons... oh, those darn lemons.

Still... keep on squeezing. Keep on trying... trying to move forward, to love, to not grow weary in compassion, to have (for others) more happiness than jealousy, to not bathe in bitterness, and... and just to be who I'm still meant to be. To trust. To be still. To listen. To hear. All of this is really why I'm out here pounding away at these words, seeking newness and life.

This is my story. Cookbooks and lemons. Gratitude and grief.

With love,
HJ