Silent nights

The cheese cake is cooling and the famous macaroons have had their bottoms dipped in chocolate. The gifts are all wrapped with love, ahem, though not with attention to good wrapping techniques (not my forte). All the advent candles - hope, peace, joy, and love - have been lit, save for the Christ candle.

The waiting is almost over.

Week 51 of Photo 52: Merry & Bright

I'm thankful for this season, though arguably I'm not exactly merry and bright. Still, I've found myself, surprisingly, at peace over the last couple weeks.

Each week, I've found myself truly looking forward to the lighting of each candle - it's been so very special.  I've been waiting and reflecting each week... and the image and the memory of the sea air is still with me to relax me - and to remind me of the expanse of God's love and light for us.

While we were on the cruise, we were completely disconnected from the larger world - specifically, I mean we did not access email, Facebook, or TV etc. It was blissfully quiet in so many ways. I realized that, though I'm eternally grateful for the connections I have and can nurture through technology, it's important to be quiet too. I can do oh so very many things at once - sometimes I can do so many things at once that it actually terrifies my big, strong hubby! The cruise reminded me that quiet - that one thing at a time - is also a good thing.

It's just that for so long, the quiet has been just one more tormentor.

Through these years of heartbreaking infertility - and now the verdict of childlessness - I've purposely tried to find more noise to shut out the searing pain, if only for an hour or so. This has been most critical to me in the hours after R falls asleep, and I lie awake in tears and pain - just wanting the tears and pain to stop... Oh yes - there's even an app for that! Whatever did bitter and heartbroken people do before they had tranquilizing phone app games to temporarily dull the pain a bit?

In truth, the noise has probably worked against me. Since coming back, of course I've gone back to technology, but have been easing off certain things - not the relationships, just the true time wasters and noise makers, like mindless TV (as opposed to shows I actually enjoy) and something that shall remain nameless but rhymes with Scandy Scrush.... I love games - they're beneficial in many ways - but that one is just an addictive tranquilizer to me. It's not that it's bad in itself, it's just that it's time to become more deliberate with life again - no matter how broken I am.

And so, I'm trying to stop fearing the silence so much, and start trusting that it will be okay - somehow, someway.

In the meantime, I'll continue holding my breath in hope.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Much love,
HJ