Silly me...

When I said in my last post that I was losing steam for new things, I forgot that I have a vacation coming up in about a week and a half! Now, vacation isn't new...  and I have been to Florida before...  hmm... but I'm still counting this as new because this is a girlfriends vacation!

Well, maybe I've sort of done that before too... but not with these friends...  and not to Florida... and not for this long...

Anyhow, I'm counting it and that's all there is to it!  So there!! ☺

What feels really new to me about it is that I'm trying to make the most of what I don't have. In case you haven't noticed, I'd really, really, really, really - REALLY - like to have a kid or two with my darling R. I can't - I don't get to live that. This is me making sure to keep living and finding adventures - and sure, being a butterball, as R says (i.e., basting in the sun). Doing this will not lessen the massive heartbreak or unfairness that is infertility, or any of the other losses in this fragile world, but... it will perhaps increase the loveliness that is life. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: life is as beautiful as it is cruel. The cruel is largely unavoidable, so I'm all the more grateful for the beautiful.

One thing I'm worried about that is that people will start saying how I'm so lucky that I don't have kids, so I can go on so many fun vacations. Believe me, these things frequently get said to the childless. It's unbelievably crazy!!  If so, will I have grace under pressure to answer without being awful?  Frankly, I'm not sure. Hopefully so. (More hopefully so, perhaps no one will ever say that to me again!! Fingers crossed.)

In any case, it's a risk I'm willing to take for warmth and fun - and a little break - with my girlfriends.

Week 9 of Photo 52: Photographer's prerogative 

Anyhow, do you like my new hat?  I think it's pretty awesome!  It's very me, in any case. What a great find today - it's been a while since I really jived with a summer hat. Small joys.

Speaking of jiving, I really jive with our church, though I'm not involved at all. This is something I believe I need to do... get involved in it. In addition to being really solid teaching, they have amazing outreach opportunities into the community - opportunities to do good that really resonate with my faith. It's one of the things I love about the church.

This has to be one of my new things this year, or soon. I would like that, and just have to stop being so lazy and worried. Mostly worried. And a little lazy.

Lazy is self-explanatory - especially after working all day/all week. Worried might be less so. That's about getting involved in an environment where children are the norm. This is hard enough at work, but there's no choice there. Does that sound a strange worry? It's valid though. I'm not good with being childless - I'm so awkward. Yet I have to have some trust though too, trust in friends and coworkers, and trust in our church community.

So far, most (not all) of my NEW - my risks - have been fairly mild, but it will be time soon to take some of those bigger emotional risks.

In the meantime, this morning at church I ended up talking to a new couple. I could tell they were new. She was taking notes on the church itself - and really observing - so I figured they were looking for a new church home. This sort of had me wondering what to do - to try to talk with them, or not...  but I don't know much. We really just attend - and know no one there.  Plus, I'm really extroverted, but I'm so not good at initiating actual conversation with strangers - and not good at small talk. Not a strength!

Yet they were right in front of me, and after the service they turned around toward me to put on their coats. I at least wanted to make eye contact and smile - that is a strength of mine - but that's all I intended. However, her face told me that she wanted to talk, but was unsure about it - so I bit the bullet and did something I don't normally do - put out my hand and introduced myself. We chatted about 10 minutes or so... by then, the sanctuary was almost cleared out. It felt a bit awkward, but they seemed to be happy to talk with me about the church a bit - and other local churches. Hopefully I helped them feel a bit welcomed. I'll watch for them next week - and try to remember their names. (Unless they never come back because of the psycho girl who insisted on speaking to them when they just wanted to sneak out of church...hmm.)