Sweetest in the Gale: Polly wanted a cracker

This morning I got up early, fluffed up my dreadlocks, and headed to the library for the day...

NEW number 36 was volunteering at the library, helping with the kickoff of the children's summer reading program. In case it's not obvious, it was a pirate theme. There were crafts (parrot for the shoulder), scavenger hunts, face painting, live parrots, pirate bands, and reading challenges. It went from 10 am to 3 pm, so it was a long day in dreads.

Speaking of dread, this one was a really big new for me. I didn't actually dread it - I chose it. But I did have a lot of panic leading up to it. A day spent working closely with kiddies would not be easy for me, despite all my past experience working at camp so long, leading AWANA, and teaching Sunday School. It's just so different than it used to be before IF - now it just feels much like the lyrics:

You can look at the menu but you just can't eat

You can feel the cushions but you can't have a seat

You can dip your foot in the pool but you can't have a swim...

("No One is to Blame" Howard Jones)

After all, avoidance, to the degree possible, has been a necessary coping strategy for me over these last years. Avoidance and putting up mental walls has been a way I can still function in society without constantly being in weepy tears over so much grief and loss.

When I started this challenge to do 42 new things before 43, volunteering with children was one of my goals because... well, I don't think avoidance and walls are the best way to live long term. Besides, one cannot love without giving.

While I strongly considered a mentoring program, such as Big Brother/Big Sister or Kinship Kids, upon a lot of reflection, I know that this is not something for which I'm emotionally ready. Maybe someday, I don't know. In the meantime, it seemed some baby steps might be a good way to ease in and check it out. The looming deadline of 43 was good inspiration to stop tomorrowing this away, which I would have likely continued to do otherwise. So it was decided - I sought opportunities and found one with the library. (I do so love reading!) I felt good about it for a day or two.

Then came the panic a few days before. On Friday at lunch, it got worse... Triggered by seeing a lady in a bandanna, which reminded me I needed a bandanna to look pirate-y. It's funny how panic works. The memory of that silly bandanna plagued me the rest of the day and evening.

(In the meantime, R was, unbeknownst to me, at a party store buying me the bandanna with dreads.)

Quite honestly, I strongly considered chickening out, even this morning, but, I didn't. And - it went okay.

It was busy and it was fun. Definitely bittersweet, but that's to be expected, I suppose. There sure were gaggles upon gaggles of little cuties there... I think I did okay with them - interacting with them - helping with crafts, the treasure hunt, and face painting. I can still make some of them giggle, so that was fun.

Fortunately, since we hit the ground running, there wasn't a lot of down time to reflect, which - though I tend to agree that the unexamined life isn't worth living - can definitely be a blessing at times. There's always time for reflection later.

Late in the day, my dear hubby showed up after his work. I looked over and caught a certain gorgeous man sneaking photos of me from between the library shelves, so you can thank him for your having the pleasure of seeing me in dreads. I told him it's a good thing no one called security on him - my sweet guy. He is always so supportive of me. He hung around until I was done, then treated me to a late lunch of my choice. So wonderful that he was working locally today.