Shades of gray

This commercial is one that has always stuck with me from my early years, for some reason.

                                   

In fact I knew this song before I knew the real song.

Well, it's taken me 42 years to get here, but I've started to go gray. Will I wash that gray right out of my hair? Remains to be seen...

To be honest, I'm the only one who actually knows they're there - so far. I've only found five total - so far. I wasn't sure if they were blondies or grays, because they're quite bright and I have a lot of natural highlights in my hair - but I suspected gray, or actually white. My hairdresser confirmed it for me. She kept not seeing any, but when I finally found it again to show her, she confirmed it was a gray. Though I'm not happy about graying, I'm happy to have it confirmed as I prefer to deal with reality.

So here you have it: Number 42 NEW is - going gray.... hopefully with grace.

Many tell me it's no big deal and roll their eyes at me because they went gray years earlier. Well, fine. Perhaps I have some level of vanity about going gray - is that so wrong?  Probably, but it's probably pretty human too. I don't have a whole lot of vanity, particularly when it comes to beauty. I'm frequently reminded of Jo and Amy in "Little Women," when Amy says to Jo, "Jo - how could you? Your one beauty!"

Yep, it's my one beauty...  this was it. I'm frequently asked if I dye it this color, but I've never even considered it - I just love it. The color and highlights are all as natural as can be - it's a color others dye their's to be. Hmm, guess these bright white hairs are natural as can be too, aren't they. Sigh. Well, it's okay. I'm surviving far worse than this - what's a little lost external beauty?

It's definitely not a NEW of my choosing, but so many things aren't of our choosing so why not officially count some NEWs that aren't of my choosing, right? After all, other things not of my choosing or wishing are what led me to where I am now: unemployed in GREEEEEENLAND!

Oh, sorry, I was thinking of someone else - I was never personally unemployed in Greenland, but this... this thorn in my flesh has brought me unimaginable grief and anxiety, ongoing loss, great weight gain, and - well, a severe lack of zest for life and the future.

Yet grace has brought me out of there to here - to where ever here is... still a place with all that unpleasantness, but one that is also full of hope that beauty can arise from darkness, a belief that even this shall not go unredeemed, and faith that His mercies truly are NEW every morning!

Week 25 of Photo 52: Shimmering

Shimmeringly new!

So now, well I guess now I live here - with gray hair. So be it.

Still, I don't think I've progressed enough to be held responsible for what might happen the next time I hear the jokes about how the cause of gray hair is children...  Ehhh - just kidding, I'm sure. Out of necessity, I've occasionally become slightly better at handling these type of annoying comments. (Ohhhhh - to have gray hair AND children! I'd gladly give whatever vanity is left for that!)

Anyhow, now that I've had the white grays confirmed, I'll own it. I'll own them as whites, anyhow... I asked the hairdresser if they're white or gray and she said, "It's the same thing, you know." Sorry while I beg to differ. We all know the difference between a white sweater and a gray sweater, after all. There's a reason I avoid buying white... because I'm too lazy with laundry and don't want them to turn gray. Why would there be two different names of these colors if they were the same thing?  Pshaw!  I am okay with owning it, but they're bright whites - not grays!

Aren't you relieved that the little bit of vanity I do still have is still alive and well?

Week 26 of Photo 52: Photographer's Choice (or maybe a Rorschach test!)

Speaking of gray, my little gray cells have no idea what shape the future holds, but as I near the end of this New at 42 challenge, I find myself more trusting that it will be okay.

I started this all off with an Emily Dickinson poem, which my blog is named after. Now, with only one (already established) NEW to go, a midst graying hairs and a fast approaching 43rd birthday, I present another apt Emily Dickinson-ism: We turn not older with years, but newer every day. 

One more official NEW to go before my challenge is met. 

These toes were made for walkin!

Number 40 is just a silly, fun one!  I learned nothing from it and I didn't grow or learn any valuable life lessons, not even a little!

It sure was a fun day with a friend though, after which I ended up with some exciting toe art! I - and most people, I think - tend to gravitate to one of two nail colors all the same time. For me it's glittery pink or glittery blue. Well, on that day I went with glittery pink - but then...  when the nail tech asked if I wanted a design, I said YES! Not exactly revolutionary, but a fun NEW. And I like it!

What goes down, must come up

Perhaps it's not an actual scientific law that what goes down must come up, but it certainly is when it comes to traipsing down, down - far down - to view the majesty of Minnehaha Falls.

Hmm, of course first you have to get past this guy.

But wait... I'm getting ahead of myself. Before traipsing anywhere, one must fortify oneself for the expedition. I've been wanting to try out Sea Salt for years, but since I'd never been to the mighty Minnehaha Falls, I'd also never been to Sea Salt.

 NEW number 38: Sea Salt! 

R's choice: crawfish etouffee - a favorite, but something R is often disappointed in because it doesn't live up to his expectations of the best etouffee we've had. This one was really, really close... he felt it needed just a bit more oomph (agreed!), but that it was really good - best he'd had in a long time - and he'd have it again.

As for me, I went with grilled fish tacos - wahoo fish, no less! I'd never even heard of wahoo fish, let alone eaten it, so I had to give it a try. Mind you, my dearest R makes the very BEST fish tacos this side of Davy Jones' Locker, but these were quite delicious!  Woohoo for wahoo!

And while I know my friend Penny is cringing at all that cilantro, honestly, I seriously can't get enough cilantro in my life! Don't worry, Penny - we'll always have red, Diet Pepsi, cupcakes, candy, pasta - and oh, just about everything else!

Fortified with some serious and fresh deliciousness, we moved on to the falls. Oooooh!

Ahhhhh!!

So gorgeous - and very full!

Week 23 of Photo 52: Red

We chased this little cutie around for a while. What a treasure! This photo was taken from quite far away. I can't believe I was even able to get him at all, considering my lack of a more hard core camera and zoom. All in all, I'm pleased with it. This was literally the only one that turned out even a little, so it feels like a gift!

What a perfect day!

Best yet - I didn't have to fake a sprained ankle to try to get a stretcher ride up... but I did consider it. 

Resting after the climb up

Yeah, my legs are still a bit sore from my NEW number 39, but it was completely worth it!

Afterward, we treated ourselves to the best happy hour in the entire Twin Cities!

Excellent location, ambiance, and food - but terrible service....  Still, I give it five stars.

This New at 42 challenge has been many things to me, not the least of which has been actually checking out so much of the beauty and fun of our second hometown. Wisconsin and Utila will always be our number ones, but the Twin Cities really is fantastic. It brought us to each other, cherished friends, and it holds many wonders - most of which I've only just finally been exploring. Yeah!

39 is 37

"The Theatre, the Theatre, what's happened to the Theatre?"

I don't know much about chicks who did kicks, or heps who did steps - but I know what I like, and I liked NEW number 37, which was "The 39 Steps" at the Yellow Tree Theatre. 

Apparently the Twin Cities is second only to New York City in live theater per capita - pretty impressive, really. So you'd think I'd have gone once in a while... hmm. Okay, I have gone twice: once for college credit at Bethel, and once 14 years ago - which was just a fluke because someone gave us last minute tickets they couldn't use. Sir Patrick Stewart was involved in that theater experience - and the only reason we went. We were close enough to have touched Sir Patrick, but it's important to note that we did not. A mistake I do not intend to duplicate, if I ever have the pleasure of seeing him in person again. ☺ Ahem, but I digress...

The Yellow Tree Theatre is a small theatre in Osseo - basically in a strip mall. Glad that didn't scare us away, because it was quite charming. The play was hilarious - really, really hilarious! There were only four actors in it and they were excellent! It's amazing how intimate the theater experience is - especially at this cozy theater. I'm very interested in the plays they are offering next season, so plan to return there, for sure. It's ridiculously affordable too, so it's pretty guilt-free, as a bonus - it's a steal, really.

So there it is, 39 - a most enjoyable 37th NEW! 

Polly wanted a cracker

This morning I got up early, fluffed up my dreadlocks, and headed to the library for the day...

NEW number 36 was volunteering at the library, helping with the kickoff of the children's summer reading program. In case it's not obvious, it was a pirate theme. There were crafts (parrot for the shoulder), scavenger hunts, face painting, live parrots, pirate bands, and reading challenges. It went from 10 am to 3 pm, so it was a long day in dreads.

Speaking of dread, this one was a really big new for me. I didn't actually dread it - I chose it. But I did have a lot of panic leading up to it. A day spent working closely with kiddies would not be easy for me, despite all my past experience working at camp so long, leading AWANA, and teaching Sunday School. It's just so different than it used to be before IF - now it just feels much like the lyrics:

You can look at the menu but you just can't eat

You can feel the cushions but you can't have a seat

You can dip your foot in the pool but you can't have a swim...

("No One is to Blame" Howard Jones)

After all, avoidance, to the degree possible, has been a necessary coping strategy for me over these last years. Avoidance and putting up mental walls has been a way I can still function in society without constantly being in weepy tears over so much grief and loss.

When I started this challenge to do 42 new things before 43, volunteering with children was one of my goals because... well, I don't think avoidance and walls are the best way to live long term. Besides, one cannot love without giving. 

While I strongly considered a mentoring program, such as Big Brother/Big Sister or Kinship Kids, upon a lot of reflection, I know that this is not something for which I'm emotionally ready. Maybe someday, I don't know. In the meantime, it seemed some baby steps might be a good way to ease in and check it out. The looming deadline of 43 was good inspiration to stop tomorrowing this away, which I would have likely continued to do otherwise. So it was decided - I sought opportunities and found one with the library. (I do so love reading!) I felt good about it for a day or two.

Then came the panic a few days before. On Friday at lunch, it got worse... Triggered by seeing a lady in a bandanna, which reminded me I needed a bandanna to look pirate-y. It's funny how panic works. The memory of that silly bandanna plagued me the rest of the day and evening. 

(In the meantime, R was, unbeknownst to me, at a party store buying me the bandanna with dreads.)

Quite honestly, I strongly considered chickening out, even this morning, but, I didn't. And - it went okay. 

It was busy and it was fun. Definitely bittersweet, but that's to be expected, I suppose. There sure were gaggles upon gaggles of little cuties there... I think I did okay with them - interacting with them - helping with crafts, the treasure hunt, and face painting. I can still make some of them giggle, so that was fun. 

Fortunately, since we hit the ground running, there wasn't a lot of down time to reflect, which - though I tend to agree that the unexamined life isn't worth living - can definitely be a blessing at times. There's always time for reflection later.

Late in the day, my dear hubby showed up after his work. I looked over and caught a certain gorgeous man sneaking photos of me from between the library shelves, so you can thank him for your having the pleasure of seeing me in dreads. I told him it's a good thing no one called security on him - my sweet guy. He is always so supportive of me. He hung around until I was done, then treated me to a late lunch of my choice. So wonderful that he was working locally today.

Mmm, seems pirate-y enough to me!

This was just a one time deal, but I am looking for other ways to start volunteering, to start getting involved. 

Bottom line: I did it.  With a little help from my friends - thanks for the prayers, prayers! 

Week 24 of Photo 52: Mystical

Indeed.

Are You Down?

I'll get straight to the point - my 35th NEW was going to the Franconia Sculpture Park last weekend.

It was another activity I've wanted to do a long time. I've always seen it from the road, but when we're out that way it's for a specific reason, so we've never stopped. 

In short, it's pretty neat! And way bigger than you'd think, just by looking from the road.

There are lots of nooks and crannies to look in to find treats for the eyes.

I'll admit - some of the sculptures looked a bit like something that I, myself, could have made.... It's possible that I don't always understand the artistic, but most of it was pretty cool.

Pretty sure I even got my 10,000 steps in over the course of the day.

I had lots of favorites, such as this giant fish.

But then this one was my favorite: "Constructed memory."

 But then....  this one was my favorite.

It stayed my favorite.

 It captivated me from first glimpse. It's titled, "Are You Down?"

It was created in honor of the Tuskegee Airmen of WWII, portraying three downed airmen who knew the exhilaration of flight, along with the agony of dreams that have crashed to the earth.

I had a hard time choosing my photographer's option photo this month - I mean, I knew it would be this sculpture as soon as I saw it, but I didn't know how to choose. The full photo shows the context better, but the faces just completely captured me - and the hands.... the hands still upturned in the midst of agony spoke depths to me.

So beautiful.

Can being so far down possibly be beautiful?  Is ugliness and agony redeemable?

I believe the answer is yes. I fear the answer is no. Then again, I'm probably not the right person to ask.

Week 22 of Photo 52: Photographer's Option

Tomorrow I'll be doing my NEW number 36... if I don't chicken out, that is. I started to feel worried on Wednesday. This afternoon I started to feel panicky - very panicky. I want to chicken out. If things can't be as I wish, why can't they at least be easy and comfortably numb? I just long for easy and comfortably numb. But we're not here for easy and comfortably numb. Yes, I'm terrified of my new number 36 - and when you see what it is, you'll want to reflect on how ridiculous I am to let such a thing terrify me so.

Oh - the depth of this longing forever unfulfilled.

People like to say that time heals all wounds.While true of some wounds, frankly, I've always thought that was malarkey - at least this side of Heaven it is.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'”

 (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

High highs, low lows, and deep caves

NEW number 33: a tour of the Wabasha Street Caves

This is one I've wanted to do for a long time. Last weekend, R was home and we finally made it happen! I don't have a whole lot to say about this outing, except that it was very fun - and educational! (By the way, they're actually caverns - not caves, but that doesn't change their enjoyment.)

We also got some good exercise bopping around the Glacial Potholes at the Interstate Park in Taylors Falls, for NEW number 34.  It was gorgeous there, gorgeous out, and boy was there some good exercise to be had hiking around in there.

While we didn't go very far into the park, we did experience a lot of highs and lows....

It was in the 80s this day, but there was ice still down there in this particular pothole.

Ice, ice, baby!

I'm not commenting much about either of these outings, but that's not a lack of interest - it's just that they were just plain fun! The weather was beautiful and my guy was home and we had fun in the sun (and the rain) - all day! We simply enjoyed, which was refreshing. So many things make me think of so many things, but this day, I just enjoyed.

Of simplicity and complication

A surprise visitor in the front yard of our complex a few mornings ago. I'm so glad I always carry my camera on me!

"We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics." (Bill Vaughan)

This challenge to do 42 new things before my 43rd birthday - which is just over a month away now - has surprised me in many ways. One of the surprises is all the very simple things I've not done thus far in my life, some of which seem more important even than the biggies.

Take, for example, my NEW number 32: a picnic in the park. I've been to bigger type picnics - barbecues - like camp and church events. Dining al fresco is something I've grown to love more and more over the years, and we do eat out on our balcony a lot during the nice months, but still - I'd never just deliberately engaged in what I consider a true - spread out on the ground and kick back - picnic in the park. Strange, isn't it?

A picnic in the park was not something I'd thought of to do for a NEW at 42. It just happened - the way picnics probably should.

It was Thursday at work, and I had a few minutes to think. I'd run out for lunch that day and found that it was unbelievably gorgeous out. Even though I only had about 20 minutes, I sat out on the patio and enjoyed some warmth on my shoulders, while I quickly chowed down on my little lunch. In my moments of thought, I again wished R had been there with me at lunch to enjoy the wonderful weather together. I thought I'd maybe see if he wanted to go out somewhere with a nice patio for dinner... then I thought I wouldn't do that because he doesn't really love eating out that much, and my only motivation for eating out was to go somewhere outside, which is when the word "PICNIC!" jumped into my mind.

I didn't have time to think about it though because right then, R called and wondered if I wanted him to make the salmon for dinner (we always have salmon on hand - mmmm!). Without hesitation I said no... and told him I'd handle dinner. (He kindly typically puts weeknight dinners together because he's typically working his business from home during the week - it is so appreciated, especially considering how many people used to inadvertently give me the impression that a man would really only want me for my cooking.)

I clearly didn't put a lot of effort into presentation

I chose to not tell him what I had planned, which always makes him a bit nervous - though he's almost always loved my surprises.

And I clearly didn't put a lot of effort into good photography... but that's okay too

After that, I got back to work with picnic ideas dancing through my mind. On the way home, I stopped off and picked up the necessities: cheese, crackers, summer sausage, veggies, dip, fruit, and wine. Oh, and sardines! (That makes the picnic a double NEW. R loves sardines, but as much as I love fish, sardines and the like do not appeal to me, but I wanted to try them.)

Once I got home, R was curiously waiting to find out what I had up my sleeves. I told him we were walking to the park (a triple NEW) for a picnic - and I proceeded to prepare our meal. He loved the picnic idea, but not the walking to the park idea. If you know us and our exercise habits, you'll know how strange that is: me wanting to walk somewhere and he not... that's a bit upside down!

Here's the thing about that: R grew up (after coming to the U.S. at age 13) in inner city Boston in the early '70s. To say that there were some racial tensions would be a strong understatement. While he doesn't dwell on such things, he experienced some difficulties simply due to the color of his skin that are harder for him to shake. As much as he loves to walk and jog, he does not wish to do it on the roads. He's always been quite adamant about this, whereas I'd prefer to walk along the roads - to walk somewhere - versus driving somewhere to walk in circles... and so, he and I've never walked along the road together, except in Utila.

He tried to convince me to drive there - and he easily succeeded. Though my growing up was quite different, and I have never felt that I couldn't safely walk along a road, I understand his concerns. He's a man who has never let anything hold him back - certainly not fear, and I would never begrudge him this one concern.

Once we covered that and decided to drive, he stated we were going to walk to the park. Now I tried to convince him otherwise, but he was not to be swayed - he knew it's what I'd wanted to do, so he thought we should do it anyway. My arguing against it was ineffective - he was determined.

We packed up our goodies and grabbed a tablecloth and headed off to the park - along the road. He's not counting, but this would count as a NEW for him.

As we walked, he talked a bit more about those experiences in Boston. There were rocks and cans hurled, names called, and a slasher - a person who drove along the streets and pulled along side people of color to slash them with a knife. Not the kinds of experiences that one easily forgets. I encouraged him to not let fear win, even on this.

When it comes to fear, I know of which I speak.

Once we got to the park, we chose a spot right between the two lakes - on a little hill - where no one else had claimed. We spread out our tablecloth and kicked off our shoes. It was truly lovely.

Except maybe for the sardines. They weren't terrible, and I'm glad to have tried them - but... I'll be okay if I don't have them again.

Best yet, R thought it was truly lovely. He declared that this would not be our last picnic at the park.

My wonderfully hubby - I'm so incredibly lucky!

In fact, though not at the park, we had another picnic in our back yard the very next night.

The worth of certain things in life cannot be measured by any means known to humankind: the simple pleasure of nature between our toes, sun on our skin, the sharing of wholesome foods and wine, enjoying quiet moments with the ones we love, and working to overcome fears and negative memories together.

It only occurred to me afterward that this was actually a bona fide NEW.