Silly me...

When I said in my last post that I was losing steam for new things, I forgot that I have a vacation coming up in about a week and a half! Now, vacation isn't new...  and I have been to Florida before...  hmm... but I'm still counting this as new because this is a girlfriends vacation!

Well, maybe I've sort of done that before too... but not with these friends...  and not to Florida... and not for this long...

Anyhow, I'm counting it and that's all there is to it!  So there!! ☺

What feels really new to me about it is that I'm trying to make the most of what I don't have. In case you haven't noticed, I'd really, really, really, really - REALLY - like to have a kid or two with my darling R. I can't - I don't get to live that. This is me making sure to keep living and finding adventures - and sure, being a butterball, as R says (i.e., basting in the sun). Doing this will not lessen the massive heartbreak or unfairness that is infertility, or any of the other losses in this fragile world, but... it will perhaps increase the loveliness that is life. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: life is as beautiful as it is cruel. The cruel is largely unavoidable, so I'm all the more grateful for the beautiful.

One thing I'm worried about that is that people will start saying how I'm so lucky that I don't have kids, so I can go on so many fun vacations. Believe me, these things frequently get said to the childless. It's unbelievably crazy!!  If so, will I have grace under pressure to answer without being awful?  Frankly, I'm not sure. Hopefully so. (More hopefully so, perhaps no one will ever say that to me again!! Fingers crossed.)

In any case, it's a risk I'm willing to take for warmth and fun - and a little break - with my girlfriends.

Week 9 of Photo 52: Photographer's prerogative 

Anyhow, do you like my new hat?  I think it's pretty awesome!  It's very me, in any case. What a great find today - it's been a while since I really jived with a summer hat. Small joys.

Speaking of jiving, I really jive with our church, though I'm not involved at all. This is something I believe I need to do... get involved in it. In addition to being really solid teaching, they have amazing outreach opportunities into the community - opportunities to do good that really resonate with my faith. It's one of the things I love about the church.

This has to be one of my new things this year, or soon. I would like that, and just have to stop being so lazy and worried. Mostly worried. And a little lazy.

Lazy is self-explanatory - especially after working all day/all week. Worried might be less so. That's about getting involved in an environment where children are the norm. This is hard enough at work, but there's no choice there. Does that sound a strange worry? It's valid though. I'm not good with being childless - I'm so awkward. Yet I have to have some trust though too, trust in friends and coworkers, and trust in our church community.

So far, most (not all) of my NEW - my risks - have been fairly mild, but it will be time soon to take some of those bigger emotional risks.

In the meantime, this morning at church I ended up talking to a new couple. I could tell they were new. She was taking notes on the church itself - and really observing - so I figured they were looking for a new church home. This sort of had me wondering what to do - to try to talk with them, or not...  but I don't know much. We really just attend - and know no one there.  Plus, I'm really extroverted, but I'm so not good at initiating actual conversation with strangers - and not good at small talk. Not a strength!

Yet they were right in front of me, and after the service they turned around toward me to put on their coats. I at least wanted to make eye contact and smile - that is a strength of mine - but that's all I intended. However, her face told me that she wanted to talk, but was unsure about it - so I bit the bullet and did something I don't normally do - put out my hand and introduced myself. We chatted about 10 minutes or so... by then, the sanctuary was almost cleared out. It felt a bit awkward, but they seemed to be happy to talk with me about the church a bit - and other local churches. Hopefully I helped them feel a bit welcomed. I'll watch for them next week - and try to remember their names. (Unless they never come back because of the psycho girl who insisted on speaking to them when they just wanted to sneak out of church...hmm.)

Losing steam

It's true... my steam seems to be depleting. Not in a bad way - things are just real busy (mostly a good busy) and it's really wintery out... and it's been a particularly brutal winter (within and without)... and I just can't think of anything else new to do right now. Help!!

Of course I keep up with my photo 52 challenge though!  Week seven's theme was "ordinary." This was the first theme that I really didn't like at all. That's one out of 59 weeks of themes that I didn't like... pretty good!!

It's just me though... I have a hard time identifying things as ordinary. I'm frequently very excited over things most people would find quite ordinary, and that's fun. I regularly crack myself up over such ordinary things, which somehow translate in hilarious ways to me. And I've been known to wax philosophical at length about commonplace things like beans and rice, which I find quite beautiful. None of it seems ordinary.

Thing is, whenever I actually find myself thinking of things as ordinary, or have a blah sort of mindset, that means I'm off somehow - my enthusiasm is off, which isn't good. After all, this is one thing that, even through so many years of heartbreak, has kept me sane and engaged in life... finding amusement and/or joy in the most so-called ordinary of things.

So this theme was tough, but not in the beneficially challenging way of many other themes we do. You know though, that's okay. While it was noticeably strange to me to not feel at all engaged with it - to just wish I could skip over it to the next week - that is really to the great credit to the other 58 themes we've done! Besides, other people enjoyed it - so that is very cool!

Anyhow, here it is - my ordinary. In the end, I just needed a photo and just happened to have a glass of water on the table next to me - and the light was really nice, so I snapped and posted... and moved on to thrilling, which I already had taken.

Week 7 of Photo 52: Ordinary*

*Water and light and cool reflections are not actually ordinary, and that glass may look ordinary and scratched up, but it was a wedding gift and so totally not ordinary.

As for week eight... here it is - my beloved and talented nephew - thrilling!

Week 8 of Photo 52: Thrilling

What a cutie, right!? He's as sweet and funny as he is cute! Actually, he's getting to the age of probably preferring the word handsome. In unrelated news, I remembered earlier today how my friend Adam so vehemently objected to being called cute, "Cute is for puppy dogs and babies, I am not cute!" Of course, his objections made him all the cuter!

Anyhow, this past weekend, R and I traveled down to Milwaukee to do a show (R's business) and I got to spend time with family and friends. Big, big bonus - I got to see my nephew earn his High Brown Belt! It's the first time I got to watch either of my niblings actually perform in their activities - it was a thrill for me, and a thrill for my nephew to get his next belt. He's such a cool kid! I like this kid an awful lot!

Meanwhile, my beloved and talented niece was down in Kentucky for a dance competitions, so I didn't get to see her or sis-in-law. Hopefully I'll get to see niece perform one of these days too - she's quite the dance star!

By the way, I'm intentionally not commenting about how much I wish certain things could be different, though it's hard to refrain - especially after spending time with darling nibling that I'm so proud of! There's always a lot of bittersweet there. But does anyone care to hear such lamenting anymore? It's no one's fault that I can't have what I can't have, so why hash it over repeatedly.

Now just convince my head and heart of that.

Hmmmmm - by commenting about not commenting about it, I guess I just commented on it. Whoopsies!!

With love,
HJ

Breathtaking

After I took the photo of a candlelight in Central Park that I last wrote about, I kept wandering... and found my way over to the Cathedral Hill area. This breathtaking sight seems to have a strange gravitational pull for me ever since I came to the Twin Cities area. It was a hard transition up here, as transitions often are, and this became such a special symbol of hope for me. Every day I would drive past it as I headed down to work - my breath would always catch as that steeple came into sight... and I'd watch it - as if for dear life - as long as I safely could while driving down the highway.

Week 6 of Photo 52: Breathtaking

The days in which inclement weather kept it from my sight were so incredibly disappointing. I vividly remember the depth of disappointment I felt on one morning in particular, while reeling from the strong feeling that my move here wasn't going as intended - wondering if I'd made a huge mistake. Desperately, I wanted to see the steeple that morning - but it was nowhere in sight.

Suddenly, that still small voice within me reminded me that it was still there. Not being able to see something doesn't make it any less there. Even now, I'm reminded of this lesson each time I see the cathedral. It's a basic lesson, but a reminder that I frequently need in this crazy and fragile world. God is with me and always will be. Because of Him, those who've had to leave this temporary home are still with me too - and we will all be together again one day.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)

Isn't it amazing the abundant reminders of grace that we find when we just stop - to look and to listen. 

And hey, if we can photograph those reminders - all the better!  I was thrilled last week to finally be there at such a perfect moment of lighting - dusky enough to have the lights on and bring that glow about, but light enough to still photograph well - this lighting is gorgeous! To be honest, I'm quite pleased with how this came out - and it wasn't even planned... it was just a lovely finish to a day of wandering.  Breathtaking! 

When he looked back on the stars

This month's photographer's prerogative photo is in honor of my friend, Adam. 

I knew it would be about him, but I didn't know what I'd do. 

As I drove around and around after church the other day, listening to Rich Mullins and thinking about Adam, several thoughts came to mind - as well as a lot of tears. 

Then "Elijah" came on. 

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah

With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire

And when I look back on the stars

It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park

And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

Even though it does break our hearts to say goodbye. 

Week 5 of Photo 52: Photographer's Prerogative

No matter how much he loves us, it couldn't break his heart to say goodbye - he's home now. 

Our world is darker for his absence, even though he never understood

 what a light in our world he was. 

At least it's only goodbye for now. 

How I hate goodbyes though. 

I'm a much bigger fan of hello!

I said hello to some newer friends in late January and got in a tasty number 22 NEW by trying a new sandwich that I'd have normally never tried, were I not seeking new.
It was good, and it was good to relax with friends after such a roller coaster of a month.

Then a week or so later, I said hello again to some very dear long time friends.

We were so recently together at Adam's funeral, but this was a happier occasion - a birthday girl! 

The birthday girl and I have known each other 30 years. 30 years!!  Can we possibly be old enough to have known each other 30 years?  I've known this scary guy just two years less than that. 

Crazy, isn't it.

Dinner was lovely, and it accomplished a NEW number 23, to boot.  

We did, of course, talk a lot about our dear friend - there was a lot more inappropriate laughter.

I'm so thankful for the blessing of friends - the new and the old. 

Those still here and those who've had to move on before us.

Truly, my friendship cup overfloweth with wonderful, loyal, talented, creative, kind, and hilarious friends - one even has excellent taste in German food. 

She came by it honestly. 

Winzer Stube in Hudson, WI is my New number 23. It's the birthday girl's favorite restaurant, ranked the fifth best German restaurant - in the country!  In little old Hudson, WI, no less - impressive, right!  

Anyhow, it's a new to me restaurant - and really a pretty uncharted cuisine for me.

I had the Paprikaschnitzel “Puszta”: 

Breaded pork cutlet topped with sour cream paprika sauce with bread dumplings and cabbage.

This photo doesn't do the deliciousness justice. 

Treat yourself - grab a friend and take a trip to Hudson!