Truth be told, when it comes to seasons... I'd like fewer. My preference would be to entirely skip the winter season. This has always been true, but seems to be worsening as I go along.
Summer and warmth, and fun and beauty - this is what I like! This is what I need.
This year, my dread over winter is even making me rather annoyed toward autumn, which is a season that I've always cherished before: the glory and celebration of color!
Unfortunately, my twisted little brain is currently only recognizing autumn as a harbinger of the dreaded six or so months of barren desolation, of constant and bone-chilling reminders of the bitterness of the human condition.... Oh dear, this is serious! I better try to find me a new attitude, or it's going to be an even longer winter than normal.
Or maybe I just need to get to a new landscape... Hmm? R says that if I can find a job someplace warm that we'll move there. Though it's a long shot, he is serious! So as my NEW number 10, last night I actually applied to a job in Atlanta.
It's definitely a long shot, though I am also definitely qualified and it is within my current field, but at a much lower level. I wouldn't mind that, but if we are going to move, we would need something comparable for me. But, ya never know.
It wasn't my intention to do a NEW when I applied for it, but it does count as my number 10 new, not because I've never applied for jobs before, obviously, but because it really represents an effort to step outside the norm to improve my circumstances, rather than continue to just be so incredibly put-out over them. I've never applied to a job in a whole new state - region - before, after all. It's never really occurred to me that I could live outside of MN or WI... People don't just up and move just because they don't really like it where they are, do they? Aren't we all just stuck in the geographies in which we already are? Hmm? Maybe not.
Yet over the last several years, my efforts to improve upon other unfortunate circumstances has resulted in a rather poor track record. When you put so much of your heart and soul, time and money, and tears and pain into something like that... and that something is an epic fail, it's hard - really hard - to want to try to improve anything else anytime soon. I always said I wouldn't let the difficult experiences over the last years change me, but they have. Honestly, in hindsight, I don't see how they couldn't.
Some of the changes are for the better. I truly learned the meaning of the word Hope. I found courage that even I, the bravest woman in the world, didn't know I had. I made some new friends, and I learned to reach out for help. I found that it's okay that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I continue to learn to pretend less and be authentic more. And by no means least, my relationship with my hubby has only became stronger, sweeter, and closer through the adversity - this amazes me and fills me with gratitude.
On the other hand, I'm also left with some rather deep and painful scars, and I'm so very tired. Tired, anxious, embittered - and terrified to try anything else new... after all, won't it just be another epic fail? Isn't that all I am, an epic failure? This is something I need to fight, though... I don't want my outlook and optimism to so drastically change, even if it is more tempered with reality than ever before. Hence this crazy 42 new things challenge...
Oh, but as the air grows colder and my heart and bones fills with dread at the thought of winter, achieving more NEW is going to be even more of a challenge for me, to be sure. (Open to suggestions!)
So... I sent in an application for the job in Atlanta. It was a small step, which probably won't result in a new warmer outcome just yet, but it was a first step in hopefully getting back to the me who would rather at least try to improve upon circumstances, than just complain about them. I know better now, than I ever used to, that so many things are not within my control, but I will still stand by hope... and hope in action.
In the meantime, in an effort to not throw the baby out with the bathwater of my mind, I am trying to appreciate autumn for what it is, as I used to... without fear of what comes after. While winter will come soon enough, autumn is no less beautiful for it.
One of the lovely parts about autumn, in my opinion, is the color red. Red, red, red!
The leaves aren't there yet, but I chose red as my color for last week's Photo 52 challenge, which was to pick a color and run with it.
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| Week 38 of Photo 52: Red |
Heather likes red: red, red, red.
I LOVE your red. I am behind: behind, behind, behind. How exciting to think of a big new start. Scary as all get out too, I imagine. Lee is right there with you, though, always thinking about his poor, cold-sensitive toes. We travel through Atlanta every year, and it's a great place. :-)
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