A new season

Well, a new season is upon us. Shall I count that as my number 10? Hmm, wait, reality check: I am not in charge of the seasons; the seasons continue to change despite my preferences. Right-o, scratch that... I'll keep looking for a number 10.

Truth be told, when it comes to seasons... I'd like fewer. My preference would be to entirely skip the winter season. This has always been true, but seems to be worsening as I go along.

Summer and warmth, and fun and beauty - this is what I like! This is what I need.

This year, my dread over winter is even making me rather annoyed toward autumn, which is a season that I've always cherished before: the glory and celebration of color!

Unfortunately, my twisted little brain is currently only recognizing autumn as a harbinger of the dreaded six or so months of barren desolation, of constant and bone-chilling reminders of the bitterness of the human condition.... Oh dear, this is serious! I better try to find me a new attitude, or it's going to be an even longer winter than normal.

Or maybe I just need to get to a new landscape...  Hmm? R says that if I can find a job someplace warm that we'll move there. Though it's a long shot, he is serious! So as my NEW number 10, last night I actually applied to a job in Atlanta.

It's definitely a long shot, though I am also definitely qualified and it is within my current field, but at a much lower level. I wouldn't mind that, but if we are going to move, we would need something comparable for me. But, ya never know.

It wasn't my intention to do a NEW when I applied for it, but it does count as my number 10 new, not because I've never applied for jobs before, obviously, but because it really represents an effort to step outside the norm to improve my circumstances, rather than continue to just be so incredibly put-out over them. I've never applied to a job in a whole new state - region - before, after all. It's never really occurred to me that I could live outside of MN or WI... People don't just up and move just because they don't really like it where they are, do they? Aren't we all just stuck in the geographies in which we already are? Hmm? Maybe not.

Yet over the last several years, my efforts to improve upon other unfortunate circumstances has resulted in a rather poor track record. When you put so much of your heart and soul, time and money, and tears and pain into something like that... and that something is an epic fail, it's hard - really hard - to want to try to improve anything else anytime soon. I always said I wouldn't let the difficult experiences over the last years change me, but they have. Honestly, in hindsight, I don't see how they couldn't.

Some of the changes are for the better. I truly learned the meaning of the word Hope. I found courage that even I, the bravest woman in the world, didn't know I had. I made some new friends, and I learned to reach out for help. I found that it's okay that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I continue to learn to pretend less and be authentic more. And by no means least, my relationship with my hubby has only became stronger, sweeter, and closer through the adversity - this amazes me and fills me with gratitude.

On the other hand, I'm also left with some rather deep and painful scars, and I'm so very tired. Tired, anxious, embittered - and terrified to try anything else new... after all, won't it just be another epic fail? Isn't that all I am, an epic failure? This is something I need to fight, though... I don't want my outlook and optimism to so drastically change, even if it is more tempered with reality than ever before. Hence this crazy 42 new things challenge...

Oh, but as the air grows colder and my heart and bones fills with dread at the thought of winter, achieving more NEW is going to be even more of a challenge for me, to be sure. (Open to suggestions!)

So... I sent in an application for the job in Atlanta. It was a small step, which probably won't result in a new warmer outcome just yet, but it was a first step in hopefully getting back to the me who would rather at least try to improve upon circumstances, than just complain about them. I know better now, than I ever used to, that so many things are not within my control, but I will still stand by hope... and hope in action.

In the meantime, in an effort to not throw the baby out with the bathwater of my mind, I am trying to appreciate autumn for what it is, as I used to... without fear of what comes after. While winter will come soon enough, autumn is no less beautiful for it.

One of the lovely parts about autumn, in my opinion, is the color red. Red, red, red!

The leaves aren't there yet, but I chose red as my color for last week's Photo 52 challenge, which was to pick a color and run with it.

Week 38 of Photo 52: Red

Heather likes red: red, red, red. 

The whole NINE yards

On Sunday, in week two of regular season NFL football, I accomplished my number nine new - all while enjoying a Packers win and accomplishing my week 37 photo! It was remarkably productive unproductive time!

The theme for week 37 of Photo 52 was to photograph learning, which was another challenge for me. Truly, I find the challenging ones to be very good for me to do. They often make me face things I'd rather not face, but that are beneficial to face. My last post, Fresh Start, was a good example of that.

Before I had my fresh start epiphany, I'd felt like I don't get any fresh starts, forgetting that every day truly is a fresh start - just as God's mercies really are NEW every morning.

When it came to the learning theme, I felt that the only things I've been learning are rather sad and unfortunate things. Additionally, it also reminded me of kids and back-to-school... and things that I can't experience. Once again, this had me at a bit of a loss.

Does this look like the face of someone who is still capable of learning? Didn't think so!

Then, football Sunday rolled around...  It was the Packers' home opener and I wanted to watch it. Because I live where I live, the Packers are often not shown on regular TV.  R was working out of town all weekend and so I was maybe going to get together with some fellow Packers fan friends to watch it somewhere, as we've done once in a while before. That ended up not being in the cards, however. When this sort of thing happens, I always wish I was brave enough to just go somewhere and watch it by myself. I really like watching the games, but because I'm too embarrassed, I go home instead and watch a game I don't want to see, just so I can catch the occasional Packer highlights.

So, as I sat in the parking lot after church on Sunday, debating what to do and wishing I could watch it, I decided to maybe check a place out that I'd heard would have the game. This would be a nice quiet place where I could sort of just sit unobserved, I thought - and I love their food. I could maybe handle that... Unfortunately, turns out, they only get regular cable... so they couldn't get the Packers in either.

The Buffalo Wild Wings was right down the road and I was sure it would be on there, but that seemed too... sports bar-ish, too loud, too full... too much a place that seemed embarrassing to me to go to alone. I didn't think I could do it... go alone and sit in a BWW - how pathetic and ridiculous would I look?

Then it suddenly occurred to me that it doesn't matter if I look ridiculous to a bunch of strangers watching football!  They probably wouldn't notice me anyhow, and if they did, they probably wouldn't think about me for more than a fraction of a second.

Some of the things that psych me out are so ridiculous, aren't they?

So... I went. Alone.

Week 37 of Photo 52: Learning

Bravely, and full of self-confidence - or, ahem, a reasonable facsimile thereof - I walked in to a packed lobby. People were waiting for tables, so I almost turned around and left in order to avoid having to say I was a party of one in front of everyone: "... Yes, party of one, but really, Mr.Host Guy, I have a husband, and friends, and family - and people love me, I swear... they're just not here right now, but they still love me!! Honest!!"

Instead, I asked if there was any availability, Mr. Host Guy said that there was a 45 minute wait.  I said, rather bravely I might add, "Even just for one?" And he said, "Oh, you're just one?" (Nodding my head.) "Well, there may be room at the bar... you can check it out."

So off I trotted, just me-one (as R often says) and there were two seats left at the bar...  on opposite ends, in the middle of others. I verified they were not taken and I pulled one around the corner of the bar, right smack in the midst of the server station (where I'd feel right at home). I ordered a diet soda and some chips and salsa, and I enjoyed the game - calling R frequently to give him updates.

I chatted with the servers, who were all trying to sneak in some game-watching too, and a teeny bit with Mr. Fantasy Football guy (also a Packers fan) right around my corner, but mostly I kept to myself and enjoyed the game.

It was a very fun, record-setting, game to watch - and though I didn't connect with them for real, it was nice to have other fans to cheer with.

At half time, I ordered a wine and read my book until the second half started. A few times, I wondered if I looked strange or if anyone pointed me out as a troubled loner, but I didn't care - I was actually enjoying myself.

Somewhere in there was another epiphany - about something I have slowly been realizing over the last couple years: it's time to stop caring so much what others think of me - especially when it's people I don't know and it's about really inconsequential things. No doubt I'll always care what people I love think of me, and I always want to care about other people, but why should my fear of what strangers might possibly, negatively think about me stop me from simply watching a game?

Furthermore, why should I care what people think of me in other, more consequential, situations? Why did I care that the hairdresser assumed I was happy to not have children? I am so completely not happy about that. (I wish they'd just stop asking that, but most people don't think it's such a personal question.) Why do I care if people may assume I'm irresponsible if I take one measly little day off unexpectedly, as I did a few weeks ago in Delinquency at 42? Why am I always afraid that my friends will hate me if I have to say no, or cancel, something, when I know that good friends will understand? There are countless other examples of how I just care too much about the wrong things.

Well, I'm trying to learn to stop. In fact, I said no to someone this past week, canceling plans with her. It was hard to do - partly I didn't want to admit that I wasn't doing well, but also because I just adore hanging out with this friend. However, it was clear to me that recuperating was what I needed in this instance. There was a time, in the not too far past, when I wouldn't have been able to cancel, regardless how I felt.

Sharing this blog and being a bit more open about certain things has been a big step in the being okay with what others think of me direction, as well - so I am learning, I guess. Slow, but... yea, just slow.

So, perhaps it was just a football game in a wingy sports bar (Heathie like wingy!), but it was also another little fear to conquer, which hopefully will inspire me to conquer bigger ones. 

In the future, if I'm on my own for the day and the game isn't on regular TV, I'd go back to BWW to watch. If it is on at home though, I'd stay at home... it's cheaper and I can listen to the commentary, which, when it isn't blathering on about silliness, can be educational... Hey, more learning! ☺

Fresh start

This week's Photo 52 theme was just that, fresh start. Photographing a fresh start shouldn't be so tough, right? After all, a fresh start is sort of like... new, right? Ah, but it was so difficult for me to think about. I prefer to submit photos that truly resonate with me, and I felt - just blank on the subject. The reason for that difficulty probably coincides with why I feel the need to do these 42 new things this year.

Normally, I post my photos on the early part of each week, but here I was nearing the end - and despite how much I thought it through all week - my head was filled with rather less than cheery thoughts on the subject of fresh start, or what seems like a lack thereof to me.

So here I was in Saturday, with only two days left to come up with something (not that our group is at all strict about these things - it's very nicely laid-back - but I personally like to get one in each week) and I was just blank, at best - depressed, at worst.

So I did what I do: put a pot roast in the crock pot, since R is home for dinners this weekend (yay!!!) and, armed with camera in purse and a small list of errands in mind, I headed out. Heading out is almost always a good idea for me when I'm a bit down or out.

One of my errands was to stop in at the public library to pick up a movie I had on reserve. Other than almost getting run over three times by three different cars in the library parking lot (now THAT would be new!), it was uneventful... except that as I was approaching the building, I fell in behind a woman and her young (probably 8-10 ish) son. Her son was sad that she had been gone so much lately. She handled it very nicely, I thought. It sounds like she is in public education because she was explaining that at the beginning of the school year she has to go to a lot of committee meetings to make sure that he and the other school kids are well taken care of, and that it's an important part of public education, but that it will calm down very soon.

Their conversation resulted in some mixed feelings for me. I felt for her... she clearly cares about what she does and the importance of public education, while she clearly felt bad that she had to be gone a lot of evenings, instead of with her kids. While bittersweet, it had to feel awfully nice for her to have her son expressing the desire to spend more time with her.

I felt bad for the kid because he just missed his mom, which is so sweet and impressive that he could express it to her the way he did.

Mostly though, it just struck me as lovely that they so obviously loved spending time together with each other, and sister and dad - that is very nice to see. They are very, very blessed!

This was a very sweet interaction, in which I empathized with both parties. At the same time, I couldn't help but be sad for myself, for what I cannot have. This feeling is not an unusual one for me, though my ability to handle it varies widely.

This time, the quote that I think of daily came to mind in a whole new way, almost at once, as we walked our separate ways in the library - they never even having noticed me or the impact they had on my day.

And that is when I knew what my fresh start photo had to be - it was the only thing that really made sense to me in a personal way.

Week 36 of Photo 52: Fresh Start

This is a photo of the upper side of our fridge. I put this magnet up there a couple years ago, in a prominent to me spot, though the quote has been one I've claimed as my unofficial motto for several years. It's a daily reminder to me that bravery is often just a matter of getting back up and getting back out there, when you'd rather just stay in bed. It's a reminder to keep listening to that still small voice, rather than all the voices of shame and doubt, blame and regret.

Just today, walking into the public library, I realized that it is also a a much needed reminder that every single day is an opportunity for a fresh start. And so, it was a difficult, but helpful, photo theme this week.

I don't know if any of you can use such a reminder as much as I do, but if so, I hope this encourages you, as well.

With love,
HJ

Trophy wife

Look!! R got himself the trophy wife he so richly deserves!!

Okay, okay - his name is actually on it too...  but somehow he credits it all to me. That's just how he rolls!

Or is this just how he rolls?

The three of us representing our team of five at the bocce banquet

In any case, it was a super fun season of bocce!! We were in first place all the way... until the very last shot of the very last game. We were the last teams on the field, it was dark... and the competition was intense.

And so it goes. We'd have liked 1st, but we happily accept 2nd place, with our hats off to the 1st place team! They are a very nice team - fun and worthy opponents!!

And as for our team - yeah, we kinda rock!! We'll get 'em next year!! 

After all, last year we finished in 8th place, I believe it was. We came a long way this year.

Our awesome team: Regulation Balls!

Great shot by our fearless leader!

Look at that - a "four-banger!!" (We're red!) 

R is always watching... trying to figure out the peculiarities of the court... the weakness of the other team. 

And here's our loyal alternate - he subbed in many games with us this year, due to hectic summer schedules. He wants to be just like R, when he grows up. Here he is sporting his "R hat," as he calls it, and pretending he has "pythons" for arms, just like R. ☺

But all good things must come to an end...  at least the end included cake and trophies, this time.

The white, red, and green represent Italy, which so kindly brought bocce to us!

Every player on the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place teams (for both both Tuesday and Wednesday night play) got a little trophy, and the big trophies to give to their team sponsors. We didn't have a team sponsor (we sponsor ourselves), so we didn't end up getting one of the big ones due to a misunderstanding by the league leaders. Otherwise, a big red one would have been for us. That's okay though! We each got our own little one with our names - and a whole lot of glory.

The banquet was really fun because so many people from our night (Wednesday night) were so genuinely happy for us - for how well we'd done. They'd been so impressed with our play this whole summer - and that we're a pretty cool bunch, to boot. It was fun to have them stop by and congratulate us and say such nice things. It was really a pretty fun group on Wednesday nights, this year. I miss it, already!

This is also New #8 for me - I've never won a trophy before! I've won paper awards - usually for reading competitions - but never a trophy for a sport. I'm not exactly what one would call a jock.... Anyhow, I think it's pretty darn cool!!

Can't wait till next summer!!  But since I don't want to wish my life away, I'd like to hurry to next summer and then make next summer last for eight months - maybe nine. It's a more than fair trade!

Go team!!