Paddling...

It seems my new at 42 challenge has reached my subconscious. Last night I dreamed I that I went paddle boating with an old friend from camp... I was so excited because it was another new thing! I was paddling along and singing, "3 down, 39 to go!!"

It was otherwise a long and strange dream, but it was super fun to be paddle boating with my friend. I wonder if it's possible that dreaming of exercise results in burning actual calories...?  Well, one can hope anyhow.

However, I haven't actually done anything new since what I posted about last, so I better get on the ball! Or maybe the paddle boat....  But if it had been warm enough out, I was considering trying to fry an egg on the sidewalk to satisfy the Photo 52 theme of the week (hot), which would have killed two birds with one stone because frying an egg on the sidewalk would definitely be new to me. Unfortunately, July has taken a turn for the cool, so I had to use a cast iron skillet to fry my eggs. Unfortunate, but delicious!

Week 30 of Photo 52: Hot

In retrospect, it's probably my weirdest Photo 52 submission yet. Still, I was at a loss for what to do with hot, when it was so unseasonably cool - and, well, it was dinner time and I was hungry. They say it's a bad idea to grocery shop on an empty stomach... I wonder if that's true of photography too?  Hmm.  But I suppose I still killed two birds with one stone, especially if those birds were chickens. Mmm.

So, what should I do new next?

New: number one and two

Okay - here we go! I'm hesitant to write about my first new thing of 42, because the first new thing of 42 didn't really go well, but it was still a good thing to do. There's a big part of me that wants to skip to number two, or just pretend that number two is number one, just so I don't have to start with it or share about it. However, that would be insincere and I'm anything but insincere!

On the weekend just after my birthday, R took the weekend off... which is a really big deal for a business owner whose livelihood depends on the weekends. It was not for my birthday though, it so that we could do the first item of the challenge together, which was pretty important to us. So, without further ado, number one was that we went to an adoption information meeting - we were realistic, but still open and hopeful. (Hopeful that we might be wrong about not being eligible - best to meet in person, you know.)

Considering adoption and perusing information and passively emailing organizations, none of these were new - but going to a half day event in person to listen and ask questions, and getting the most solid and current information we could, this was new. It was new and it was big for us. It resulted in a decision - well actually, it resulted in a realization, not a decision. Unless we find out about a child through word of mouth (outside of an agency), adoption is not an option for us. Though the realization is difficult, it was really good to go there, and it is really good to finally have clarity about this. And that is all I have to say about number one.

However, I'll go right into the second item... which is much more frivolous. It occurred later that same day and it helped to ease some of the immediate feelings that came from the finality of that realization. Plus it was a continuation of my 42nd birthday celebration.

The second new adventure of 42 was to go to a restaurant I've wanted to go to for a long while. While I'd heard that the food was fantastic, in all honesty, a big part of my wanting to go there was that on the week of your birthday they give you a complimentary bottle of wine equal in value to your age. Since I typically only enjoy wine that is more equal in value to certain years in the first decade of my life, I really looked forward to trying something a little more seasoned, like me. In reality, knowing the inflated prices in restaurants, it was probably only equal to my teen years or so, but it was still very nice and it was still complimentary, so no complaints here!! I chose a rose, though I'm normally more of a cab girl, so that R would enjoy it too. He normally thinks my preferences are too dry, or, in his words, "Harrumph! Tastes like sour grapes!" On the other hand, I tend to think the wines he likes taste like grape jelly....  So this rose was perfect for the two of us. It was really quite nice and went very perfectly with our pasta dishes. It was dry, which I liked, but light and fruity, which R liked - definitely a winner!

All in all, it was a really, really wonderful evening together - a dose of delicious, and a double dose of romantic and sweet. We don't get a lot of Saturday evening dates, and this one was just wonderful!

Cheers - to 42 new things! 

Tried something new for our appetizer: polenta fries = oh so YUM!!

Tomato basil gnocchi, an old favorite, but this was the best I've ever had - little clouds of heavenly goodness!! 

Nothing like a little crispy apple goodness to share for dessert!

Despite all that beautiful and delicious food, this was still the loveliest sight of the night!!
My,oh so sweet and oh so handsome, R!!  (Week 31 of Photo 52: Photographer's choice)

So those were the first two new items.... I guess the first two were a bit bittersweet, but I do feel I'm off to a reasonably good start. The first was big and important and the second was lighthearted and delightful!  So, just forty more to go! I'm honestly not sure what's next...  Hmm. I'm open to suggestions.

The thing with feathers

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul - 

And sings the tune without the words - 

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I've heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me. 

(Emily Dickinson)

I suppose this isn't the most original blog post idea - an Emily Dickinson poem.... but it still means the world to me: HOPE! When your hopes are dashed, all you have left is hope.... and the only direction left to go, that makes any sense at all, is still forward. When your old dreams are all but dead and buried, it seems that all there is, other than wallowing, is new. 

And that is really the point here: new. New at 42. I just turned 42 a couple weeks ago. It was an easier birthday than the last few were, I suppose. I didn't let myself get anxious about it this year. It did make me think quite a bit though, especially as I spent many hours in road travel over my birthday week. The road is a mighty fine time to do some good thinkin'. I've known a while now that it's time to bury a big huge dream - one that held many dreams within that broken dream - and reconcile with my present reality, all while trying not to be so terrified of the unknown future. In the midst of all of this whirling through my 42 year old brain, it occurred to me that new... new is what I need. Not a new me, the old me is generally okay... the old me has some good things going on, but the old me - well, it's time she rediscovers a spirit of newness.

I argued with myself about this idea because I'd rather sit in my chair and be depressed about all that cannot be, but I felt a strong urging to issue myself - and accept - a challenge to seek out and appreciate the new. I've felt a need to actively remember that life is as beautiful as it is harsh - and to keep moving forward.

So, the challenge: do 42 new things before I turn 43. They do not need to be big or profound, though they might be. They can easy or hard. They can be silly or even edible. They can even be old... as in things I haven't done in three or so decades. Basically, they just have to be within the spirit of newness.

I also have to document these things, because it's the only way I will stay accountable. This is particularly important because I honestly don't want to do this. It sounds too big and I feel that everything I've tried in the last several years has been a massive failure. I'd much prefer to dwell on what I can't have - and wonder why practically everyone else gets to have what I can't have. Yet I don't want to continue to prefer that, so here I am, starting a new blog to signify this new start. Here we go!