The new and the not so new

I still have 12 or 13 new things to do - and time is running short. Late March and through April and May got so crazy that I really got a bit behind. At halfway through the year, I was right on track, but now I'm feeling the pinch. Happily though, bocce is in full swing and, though not new, that is a thing to prioritize, despite the busyness of life lately.

Week 20 of Photo 52: Reflection

Speaking of bocce, R's daughter, quite unwittingly for both of us, became the model for the Photo 52 reflection theme, as she perfectly reflected the entire bocce court in her sunglasses. She's also a rather lovely reflection of her pops in oh so many ways. I actually ended up with many reflection photos that I liked, but this one was by far my favorite.

And now, on to more of the countdown:

Number 30 NEW was just saying NO! Life has been really busy, as I've mentioned recently... beyond busy, really. Then came the work bake sale fundraiser. Most of you probably know that I love to bake and am not too bad at it. However, I've also found myself working till midnight on several occasions of late, and so... I just couldn't do it. R has always told me to just go buy something, but I can seriously not do that - well, I never could before. This time - I had to. I couldn't do it. I did make one recipe, but I cheated and used a brownie mix for the base (peanut butter brownie cups). The rest (spritz cookies and a quick bread) I bought from Byerly's and bagged up. It felt so dirty. The not staying up till 3 am baking part, which I'd have had to do, felt great though. I just said NO! It might not have been what Nancy Reagan had in mind, but I recognize that sometimes saying no - or, in this case really, finding a compromise - is the best thing one can do for oneself. Words of affirmation are something I really love, so it's hard for me to say no... no does not lead to words of affirmation, typically. Still, this year I've taken a number of steps to try to step away from my need for affirmation. It'll always be there, but I can just say no to that too, perhaps.

I also had to say no to some fun plans with a fun friend one day last week because I just needed a little break. Running on fumes and a prayer, I've been. My friend is not the sort of friend who would mind - it's nice that way. Funny enough, I actually did do some baking on this day - this time for my R! It was wonderful and relaxed and I sprinkled a little extra love in the dough.

Week 21 of Photo 52: Flo(wer/ur)

Number 31 NEW was joining a mini book club. Is that really new? I have never been in a book club before, but my friend M lovingly questioned that being a new thing because I've been in Bible studies before, which she happens to know for a fact, since I've been in many with her. I have always thought of them as different, but it was a good point that made me question if I should count it, or not. I decided I should. The Bible studies were always with people I knew and I was always part of making the decision about the study - plus, you sort of dig into the subject together. For this (mini) book club, it was with people I do not know - other than the fabulous and lovely hostess, V. - so that is different and risky feeling. For me, every time I'm going to meet new people, I just dread when they will almost inevitably ask me about children - so I have found myself wanting to avoid that by wanting to avoid meeting new people. (Happily, that didn't happen here.) Also, it was really focused on the book, not the application to our own lives. Anyhow, I don't know - I'm tired and don't think very straight lately, so I'm just going to count it as new and be okay with that.

Anyhow, the first book club night was really nice and I look forward to the next!

So - twelve more NEW to go. Frankly, I'm not sure if I can do it. Work should relax a bit now that I've hired someone (started last week), but still, I'm tired and my brain is fuzzy and frail.

It doesn't help that the last month or so has also seen what might be a record high of baby announcements, along with graduations and proms and weddings and grandchildren announcements - really, just all sorts of kid type celebrations and reflections. Honestly - when I'm not racing around and bending over backwards to try to get everything done - I'm just still so very sad. There may have even been a few major breakdowns/temper tantrums thrown in these last few weeks (never too busy to say no to that, apparently). Just when I think I'm doing a bit better - or maybe too busy to feel anything - whammo!

Of course, Facebook is always a landmine, but there's also work department gatherings where the entire conversation turns completely to pregnancy and child-rearing - and then there's me, the awkward one trying not to start crying because I'm too tired to keep my vulnerabilities in check, and the cake isn't even chocolate, so I slink off to call R somewhere and wait it out until the party is over. That was a particularly tough day. There have just been so many wonderful and exciting announcements and achievements lately. I'm simultaneously over the moon happy for people, and despondently horrified for us. (WHY NOT ME TOO?!?!?)

None of this makes me proud of myself, that's for sure. I wish I was more graceful. I need to accept these juxtapositions in my life, but it's a struggle. I'm tired of the sad parts and I'm tired of the failure parts. I wish I was one of the people who struggled a long time and then finally, at long last, got the precious child they longed for. Rather, I'm one of the fewer people, who struggled a long time - and then struggles some more - and knows that she'll never be past this, not really, because just like there's no baby now, there's no first steps, no off to school, no daddy daughter dances, no school achievements, no growing up, no going off, no marriage, no kids of their own. No sunrise, sunset. It's the loss that keeps on taking. I'm sure it gives something too. No doubt that there have been wonders of loveliness along the way. It's all okay, it'll be okay. It'll just be really, really hard too. Gratitude and grief.

And really, I'm just tired. It's 1:30 am and I don't know what I'm writing any more or why I'm still awake. Farewell, for now!

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night...

Gooood nighttttt!  ♥