The new and the not so new

I still have 12 or 13 new things to do - and time is running short. Late March and through April and May got so crazy that I really got a bit behind. At halfway through the year, I was right on track, but now I'm feeling the pinch. Happily though, bocce is in full swing and, though not new, that is a thing to prioritize, despite the busyness of life lately.

Week 20 of Photo 52: Reflection

Speaking of bocce, R's daughter, quite unwittingly for both of us, became the model for the Photo 52 reflection theme, as she perfectly reflected the entire bocce court in her sunglasses. She's also a rather lovely reflection of her pops in oh so many ways. I actually ended up with many reflection photos that I liked, but this one was by far my favorite.

And now, on to more of the countdown:

Number 30 NEW was just saying NO! Life has been really busy, as I've mentioned recently... beyond busy, really. Then came the work bake sale fundraiser. Most of you probably know that I love to bake and am not too bad at it. However, I've also found myself working till midnight on several occasions of late, and so... I just couldn't do it. R has always told me to just go buy something, but I can seriously not do that - well, I never could before. This time - I had to. I couldn't do it. I did make one recipe, but I cheated and used a brownie mix for the base (peanut butter brownie cups). The rest (spritz cookies and a quick bread) I bought from Byerly's and bagged up. It felt so dirty. The not staying up till 3 am baking part, which I'd have had to do, felt great though. I just said NO! It might not have been what Nancy Reagan had in mind, but I recognize that sometimes saying no - or, in this case really, finding a compromise - is the best thing one can do for oneself. Words of affirmation are something I really love, so it's hard for me to say no... no does not lead to words of affirmation, typically. Still, this year I've taken a number of steps to try to step away from my need for affirmation. It'll always be there, but I can just say no to that too, perhaps.

I also had to say no to some fun plans with a fun friend one day last week because I just needed a little break. Running on fumes and a prayer, I've been. My friend is not the sort of friend who would mind - it's nice that way. Funny enough, I actually did do some baking on this day - this time for my R! It was wonderful and relaxed and I sprinkled a little extra love in the dough.

Week 21 of Photo 52: Flo(wer/ur)

Number 31 NEW was joining a mini book club. Is that really new? I have never been in a book club before, but my friend M lovingly questioned that being a new thing because I've been in Bible studies before, which she happens to know for a fact, since I've been in many with her. I have always thought of them as different, but it was a good point that made me question if I should count it, or not. I decided I should. The Bible studies were always with people I knew and I was always part of making the decision about the study - plus, you sort of dig into the subject together. For this (mini) book club, it was with people I do not know - other than the fabulous and lovely hostess, V. - so that is different and risky feeling. For me, every time I'm going to meet new people, I just dread when they will almost inevitably ask me about children - so I have found myself wanting to avoid that by wanting to avoid meeting new people. (Happily, that didn't happen here.) Also, it was really focused on the book, not the application to our own lives. Anyhow, I don't know - I'm tired and don't think very straight lately, so I'm just going to count it as new and be okay with that.

Anyhow, the first book club night was really nice and I look forward to the next!

So - twelve more NEW to go. Frankly, I'm not sure if I can do it. Work should relax a bit now that I've hired someone (started last week), but still, I'm tired and my brain is fuzzy and frail.

It doesn't help that the last month or so has also seen what might be a record high of baby announcements, along with graduations and proms and weddings and grandchildren announcements - really, just all sorts of kid type celebrations and reflections. Honestly - when I'm not racing around and bending over backwards to try to get everything done - I'm just still so very sad. There may have even been a few major breakdowns/temper tantrums thrown in these last few weeks (never too busy to say no to that, apparently). Just when I think I'm doing a bit better - or maybe too busy to feel anything - whammo!

Of course, Facebook is always a landmine, but there's also work department gatherings where the entire conversation turns completely to pregnancy and child-rearing - and then there's me, the awkward one trying not to start crying because I'm too tired to keep my vulnerabilities in check, and the cake isn't even chocolate, so I slink off to call R somewhere and wait it out until the party is over. That was a particularly tough day. There have just been so many wonderful and exciting announcements and achievements lately. I'm simultaneously over the moon happy for people, and despondently horrified for us. (WHY NOT ME TOO?!?!?)

None of this makes me proud of myself, that's for sure. I wish I was more graceful. I need to accept these juxtapositions in my life, but it's a struggle. I'm tired of the sad parts and I'm tired of the failure parts. I wish I was one of the people who struggled a long time and then finally, at long last, got the precious child they longed for. Rather, I'm one of the fewer people, who struggled a long time - and then struggles some more - and knows that she'll never be past this, not really, because just like there's no baby now, there's no first steps, no off to school, no daddy daughter dances, no school achievements, no growing up, no going off, no marriage, no kids of their own. No sunrise, sunset. It's the loss that keeps on taking. I'm sure it gives something too. No doubt that there have been wonders of loveliness along the way. It's all okay, it'll be okay. It'll just be really, really hard too. Gratitude and grief.

And really, I'm just tired. It's 1:30 am and I don't know what I'm writing any more or why I'm still awake. Farewell, for now!

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night...

Gooood nighttttt!  ♥

If only

If only

If wishes were kisses

and if love were enough

you would be here;

here with us

If wishes were kisses

and if dreams came true

this love we'd share;

share with you 

If wishes were kisses

and if hope could float

this earth you'd walk;

walk with us 

If only; 

if only wishes were kisses

Catching up

It's been about a month since I posted here. My work-life balance has been a bit out of whack lately. At work I've been short-staffed and had another work trip in there (to Miami!) - and have just had to put in a lot of extra hours overall. My weekends have also been completely packed. This past weekend was the first weekend that I was in town and had nothing planned - how luxurious!

Happy flower! 

The only thing I really have NEW to report on is that I've achieved my first weight loss goal - a small goal: 5% body weight lost. (New number 28.) It's important that I get back on the right track with my weight, but it's also important to me that I do it in a sane and healthy way, so it's pretty slow going. It feels really good to get back on a right track in that way, like I have some level of moderate control in my life. There's a long way to go still, but 5% is a good start and I'll take it!

In sort of related news, I'd gotten a bit behind on my photo challenge. Though I'm a bit out of order in the posting of photos on my blog, I think I'm caught up now. Last week's theme was "cinco" - I hadn't thought I had anything to write about related to cinco, but I just realized that 5% is cinco percent, so that ties in nicely!

Week 19 of Photo 52: Cinco

What do colored pencils have to do with anything? They're super cool colored pencils, that's what! Aren't they fun?

Let's see, what else?  I also went to my wonderful little niece's dance recital. It was the first one I got to ever go to, and because of distance and scheduling conflicts it took a bit of finagling for me to get there. She is worth it! She is really, really good! No, I'm not biased - she really is!! She's the one that always moves to front and center - and all the other girls follow her lead. She's something, I tell ya! I daresay she did not get any of her talent or athleticism from her old auntie Heather, but she sure gets a lot of adoration from her auntie!

Week 17 of Photo 52: Moment to Remember

So this photo is her and my big bro. They performed a daddy/daughter dance - a pretty fancy one, I might add. I'll admit that my bro did a great job!. It was the sweetest thing!! Unfortunately, cameras weren't allowed during the performances, so I got this afterward when she was famished and exhausted. Wish I'd have gotten a more perfect shot, but I kinda think it's perfect anyhow.

I sure do love my niblings!!

There's something else I must admit.... watching all the daddies and daughters dancing was nearly the end of me. It was so very sweet and oh so very painful. Oh how I long to see R up there with our little girl, dancing to those precious, heart-wrenching daddy/daughter type songs....

It's hard to manage that so many moments of utter sweetness and joy are tainted by childless anxiety and grief.

Yet life goes on.

Speaking of childless grief, yesterday was Mother's Day. Would it surprise you to hear that this is one of my least favorite times of year - ever?  It's not that I'm a total jerk - I appreciate my mom, and I appreciate moms in general. Some of my favorite people are moms. In fact, if you haven't noticed, I'd sure like to be one. Yeah, Mother's Day is a real landmine to the IFer, I tell ya. Typically, I ignore it and stay silent - and in, if at all possible. I never want to rain on anyone's parade, after all, and I also don't want to expose myself to more pain than is necessary. Therefore, burrowing in has always been a good option.

However, this year was not as bad because several people - many not at all IF related - acknowledged and empathized with the extra grief that this holiday time can bring to some. That was new, surprising, and so appreciated! Empathy really goes a long way, don't ya know?

Also, R was home this weekend - he only worked on Saturday morning. Despite the accompanying sadness, R and I had a really wonderful weekend together. As mentioned, I always stay in on Mother's Day weekend because of all the understandable and well-deserved revelry. Not this year.

New number 29 was embracing life - pain and all - instead of hiding on Mother's Day. Instead of hiding, this year R made a nice breakfast at home and then we headed out for a nice, long walk on the river, drove around the countryside, and then dined on a rooftop patio overlooking the St. Croix.

Here I am looking every second of my age and heartbreak, but it also shows a bit of the rooftop dining. I should have gotten a better shot of that.

Prosciutto Crostini

It was a sad, but lovely day together! More juxtaposition. It's the theme of the year.

As a bonus, there were a few beauties to capture with my camera. This little guy sure captivated me to no end. He didn't like to sit still for long at all, but I finally got a pretty decent shot of him here.

Hmm, I just realized that my last comment could apply to both the photo of the gorgeous and charming R just above, and Mr. Birdie below... but I was actually referring to Mr. Yellow Birdie.

They sure are a couple cuties, aren't they?

Yep, still talking about the birds, but it still also applies to R.

So that's that. A couple of new things and a lot of extreme busyness. Maybe there were other new things in there that I don't even remember... hmm.  Anyhow, today I got the good news that the candidate I selected accepted our job offer, so hopefully work will calm down soon. (Though busy is preferable, sane would be nice.) And hopefully there will be more relaxing weekends ahead too... I could use a season of rest. 2014 so far has been a pretty wild ride - for better and for worse.

And above all, God is good and Life is good. Though it includes a lot of seemingly unnecessary pain, it is still good. Broken is not destroyed, and Life longs to live.