Silent nights

The cheese cake is cooling and the famous macaroons have had their bottoms dipped in chocolate. The gifts are all wrapped with love, ahem, though not with attention to good wrapping techniques (not my forte). All the advent candles - hope, peace, joy, and love - have been lit, save for the Christ candle.

The waiting is almost over.

Week 51 of Photo 52: Merry & Bright

I'm thankful for this season, though arguably I'm not exactly merry and bright. Still, I've found myself, surprisingly, at peace over the last couple weeks.

Each week, I've found myself truly looking forward to the lighting of each candle - it's been so very special.  I've been waiting and reflecting each week... and the image and the memory of the sea air is still with me to relax me - and to remind me of the expanse of God's love and light for us.

While we were on the cruise, we were completely disconnected from the larger world - specifically, I mean we did not access email, Facebook, or TV etc. It was blissfully quiet in so many ways. I realized that, though I'm eternally grateful for the connections I have and can nurture through technology, it's important to be quiet too. I can do oh so very many things at once - sometimes I can do so many things at once that it actually terrifies my big, strong hubby! The cruise reminded me that quiet - that one thing at a time - is also a good thing.

It's just that for so long, the quiet has been just one more tormentor.

Through these years of heartbreaking infertility - and now the verdict of childlessness - I've purposely tried to find more noise to shut out the searing pain, if only for an hour or so. This has been most critical to me in the hours after R falls asleep, and I lie awake in tears and pain - just wanting the tears and pain to stop... Oh yes - there's even an app for that! Whatever did bitter and heartbroken people do before they had tranquilizing phone app games to temporarily dull the pain a bit?

In truth, the noise has probably worked against me. Since coming back, of course I've gone back to technology, but have been easing off certain things - not the relationships, just the true time wasters and noise makers, like mindless TV (as opposed to shows I actually enjoy) and something that shall remain nameless but rhymes with Scandy Scrush.... I love games - they're beneficial in many ways - but that one is just an addictive tranquilizer to me. It's not that it's bad in itself, it's just that it's time to become more deliberate with life again - no matter how broken I am.

And so, I'm trying to stop fearing the silence so much, and start trusting that it will be okay - somehow, someway.

In the meantime, I'll continue holding my breath in hope.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Much love,
HJ

Cruisin' into new...

Sail away, sail away, sail away... 

Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never been...

At long last, it's the new we've all been waiting for - at least R and I had been!  New number 18 was taking a cruise to the Bahamas! 

To sum up, it was amazing!!  

As a bonus, our cruise happened to be during a week where the temps here in MN were sub zero.  Talk about contrast!

Week 49 of Photo 52: Contrast 

It felt so surreal to be standing right here on this deck, knowing it was negative something or other back home - and worse, when you add the wind chill.  

I'm so incredibly thankful for being able to be there - what a blessing!

Believe it or not, this was the first time R and I did anything like this! Yes, we go to his island in the Caribbean - but that is all family. It's work and responsibility - and fun and warmth - but it's family. All of our vacations are family (or tagged onto a business trip), because neither of our families live near us. Spending time with our families is wonderful, but this was different. So different - and so amazing!

This was just us.

Us! 

Pure bliss!!

We completely unhooked from the rest of the world and we.... relaxed. Truly relaxed. This could be counted as a new, in itself, to be honest. 

To have our bones and our souls melt into pools of sheer happiness for a few short days - incredible!

My troubles felt far away, as if they might melt right along with me.

Our waistlines, however: not melted! We dined well!

Sushi - it tasted like more! (Yes, I asked for seconds! How dare they serve such a small portion!)

Conch stew over rice-n-peas. This was delicious!! Different from how
 R's folks make it (with coconut milk), but absolutely lovely!

Mahi mahi  with roasted potatoes and veggies - yum!

Seaside ice cream - what could be better? 

And... chocolate meltaway cake....  Oh - my - word!!  This was pure delight on a spoon!!  

To somewhat help our waistlines (yea, right!), we also danced!

This photo is of R as one of the Temptations, dancing to My Girl (after someone, who shall remain nameless, cruelly volunteered him....), but we otherwise danced together - it was Motown Night, after all! Who doesn't want to move their hips to some Motown classics?

There were also excursions to be had. One had us riding in a semi submarine! I'm counting this as new number 19, because... well because I rode in a submarine!  How cool is that?

It wasn't easy to get good photos in the submarine, but it was really cool to see all the fishies and underwater life!  

We also soaked in the outdoor hot tub, or just snuggled up together on lounge chairs, under the moonlight every evening.  Magical!!

More than anything, we savored every minute together in this great big beautiful world!

Week 50 of Photo 52: Savoring

There is no place in the world I feel more at peace and more aware of God's boundless love and grace, than when I'm at sea. I guess I'll never know why life has had to be so heartbreakingly stormy for us in some pretty major areas - why I can't simply be a mom...  but for those four days, and in their afterglow, though the pain was still there, I felt truly at peace.

And that, my friends, is priceless. 

Neither holly, nor jolly

I don't think I'm doing very well.

Am I pushing myself too hard? It's possible my efforts toward difficult kindnesses, openness, and assertiveness are making me feel more vulnerable - thus increasing my sensitivity - but still, I'm not really pushing myself all that hard. Maybe it's just that it's holiday time again and the holidays have become, to me, the opposite of what they are meant to mean.

After all, the holly jolly, sweet wide-eyed children, elf on the shelf (whatever that is) version of it I see all around me... well, this is a version I can never have. Oh how I want that version. While it may not be as perfect as their photos make it seem, that doesn't make it any less perfect, does it?

Oh how I long for those special cookie baking, tree trimming good times with our own sweet wide eyed kiddies. Their waking up on Christmas morning wonder... the beauty of continuing generations through the years. But no, that's not for me.

Yes, I've grown to - so very much - not love this time of year.

The ridiculously early darkness doesn't help even a little. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this winter, to be brutally honest.

Well, next week is the Bahamas... so I should be able to get through the next two weeks, but after that, who knows. Ugh!  I just feel so completely awful - a failure at every turn. I can usually set that aside and feel fun and lively enough when interacting with others, or out and about doing things. In these colder, darker days though, I don't really want to be out and about.

Though I otherwise don't plan to decorate for Christmas this year, I decided I needed to make an Advent wreath. I didn't grow up with any kind of Advent tradition, but our current church follows the church calendar - and I just love it! I'm not sure why we didn't focus on it more growing up. Today's sermon, on the first Sunday of Advent, was about holding our breath...about Hope.

Though I've not typically been a very traditionally minded person - not big on ritual - with my heart feeling as cold as it does, such rituals and deep traditions can bring great comfort. They seem to help me focus on what I know and trust deep within - whether or not my cold and sad heart actually feels it.

Hope.

Week 48: Photographer's Choice

After all, through it all - and maybe more than ever - I do still believe: Hope, Peace, Joy, Love... Christ.

Decking the halls, holly jolly, gifts, and being told to be of good cheer, on the other hand -- humbug!

Yet, so enamored was I, that I was not even remotely thinking of this as a new at 42 when I embarked on making an Advent wreath. In fact, I didn't even realize it until I started writing this post. Nonetheless, creating the wreath, and focusing on the season of Advent, is new number 17.

While I'm not sure if this is the best photo, or the best way to show the spirit of the Advent wreath, it really struck a chord with me. I love the beauty of the colors of it on our table, but this photo to me best illustrated the light - the hope - in the darkness.

Yes, the lighting of the first Advent Candle is indeed a symbol of hope,“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness — on them light has shined.” (Isaiah 9:2)