Hello darkness, you're not my friend

I haven't written now in just short of forever.  Okay, maybe a little over a month or so isn't anywhere near forever, but this particular six weeks or so feels like forever. I've often struggled with why I write anyhow. Does it matter at all?  Then again, what does?  I haven't written.  I haven't photographed.  I'm really just getting by.

The darkness - ohh, the darkness. The darkness is the worst. The winter, the snow, and the cold - it all came early. The holidays are upon us.  All of these things make for a more dismal me.  I used to love the holidays, before IF and childlessness - but not anymore.

All of this makes life so much harder.

And then life got harder still.

See, I was called as a potential donor for someone. I dropped everything to respond. I don't have many potential matches in the registry, so I know they wouldn't have either. I always wondered if I'd be brave enough to go through with it if ever called. When I got the call, there was no doubt that I would do anything - anything - to help this person if I truly did match her.

Then the shoe drops.

Because of some repercussions of my infertility experience, I can't donate. They won't let me. I've been deferred. For my own good.  I've been removed from the registry.  I begged for them to change it, to let me - I don't care about risk to me. I would do anything to help her.

It seems I'm not handling this very well. Just when I thought I couldn't break any further, a few more pieces have shattered to smithereens.

For a while I thought maybe some good could come from me after all. And it's a plus for a donor to have not had any pregnancies, so it briefly felt like maybe there was some good from this horrendous nightmare, at least.

Instead, I'm still childless - and I also can't help this woman, who is fighting for her life.

I feel like I just can't breathe anymore.  I can't get past this. I can't stop caring what happens to this woman, who my own uselessness and failure prevents me from helping.

And so in this darkest of the seasons, the darkness inside me grows still more oppressive. I want to find rest, I believe in the peace that passes all understanding - but all I want is to be numb. Numbness is not the answer, but I feel things too deeply I think. There's something wrong with more than just my reproductive system - there's something really wrong with my heart and my brain.

Yet I walk around still and laugh and talk and do my work, but the moment I'm alone again all I can do is gasp for breath whilst the tears flow. It's all I can do to just make it through the days. I finally got the big promotion at work and you know what?  I don't care a whit. It's not what I really want. It's just a nice little consolation prize.  Dear R is so proud of me though, so very proud... but all I want to do is run away with him to some remote island and forget about life.

Dear R has also been having to listen to the self-hatred that is now just so great it sometimes bubbles up out of me. I try to keep it inside, but it can't always stay there.  He doesn't deserve that. He hates it - hates hearing insults about the woman he so adores. I know that I need to get back into a therapist because I can't keep doing this to him. The man who the only things he'd do differently would be to marry me sooner and take me to Utila sooner!! He says this already knowing what a nightmare I am, what a broken down mess. I'll never understand why he loves me so.

So yeah, I know I need to find a therapist to talk to, to try to work through this. I don't feel like it, but I can't keep doing this to R - and honestly, I just can't live like this anyhow. I'm completely wrecked. So now I'm trying to find someone who can help me see truth, who accepts our insurance, and who works near me because I'm just not going to drive across the metro for appointments - especially in the darkness and cold, and so I need to set myself up for some measure of success in that at least. Just getting through each day without any public breakdowns has taken all my energy, of late.

And so there you have it.