Grief and goodness and heartbreak and mercy

I've meant to write a hundred times since I last wrote. The time has gone fast - largely filled with ongoing plague and a trip to Boston and lots of work - with very stressful changes at work - and preparing for Utila. It's funny to me sometimes how things just keep moving forward, when it feels like you (I, anyhow) never really do. As for my plague, it may be somewhat at its final stages - I hope. I feel that Utila will cure me the rest of the way. It's been a tough run this season.

Also, there have been a thousand babies born since I last wrote - just in my life alone. Okay, maybe closer to 6 - but it's all the same to me. Happy for them, sad for me. It's all the work ones that are the hardest because I have to stay 'on' - always.

Still, I was going to go to the baby shower I mentioned last time, but I just couldn't - I knew I'd have to do work this weekend and there's just so much going on that I couldn't pull a Milwaukee run this weekend. Wish I could have! It would have been my first baby shower in so many years, but I would want my first back to be someone I genuinely love, as this one tomorrow would be - not just a colleague. Just the thought of showers traumatizes me, but it would be worth the inevitable pain to be able to celebrate with a friend I care for. It's actually been quite a long time since I've been invited to a shower by someone I really care for. Often one is just left off the list, when people know that you're IF. I'm so grateful that this friend invited me!! And wishing we lived in the age of transporters, then I could have done all I needed to do today - and still made it there tomorrow.

It's funny to realize how long we've been "trying," as they say. Of course with IF, trying has whole new meaning. I realize it most of all when I realize how old the children of my fellow IF warriors are. Or when I see how many of my fellow IF warriors are on their second or third children. As are many others who'd asked me for advice early on, who started after us and worried they might have trouble too - but now they're on seconds and thirds and school age and what not. They all move forward, I do not. I guess I do in my own way, but it's not the way I'd hoped. It's just kind of weird, is all.

We're not even talking about all the children I've known who have their own children now. I really want to swear right now, just thinking of it... Full disclosure: I just swore in my head. I won't write it though. These are the (many) times I feel so old and and defective. I wish this were a passing thing, but I am old and defective - and oh so heartbroken.

That said, last week I saw a biological sign that seemed encouraging in a reproductive way. I'm such an idiot. How can my hope for this remain? Barely, but it only took one little sign to light it back up. Hmm. Okay, well - moving on....

We went to Boston for my Ma-in-Law's 80th birthday two weekends ago! She's lovely and the events of the weekend were lovely!

80th - really? 

It was a treasure, without a doubt! Still, I found myself once again flabbergasted when an old friend of the family, someone I'd never met before, asked me if we had children - and when I said that we did not, without missing a beat she said, "Why not?" Ummm. Becauses it's not of your business....

But of course instead I just got a bit freaky, as usual (why - oh WHY - do people say these things). This time at least I said - eventually, anyhow - that I wish we did. She, as most people do when faced with some such answer, just said "Oh" and moved on.  What the what?

This in the midst of seeing up close how so many of the children in the family - the nieces and nephew and great nieces and nephews - have their own children. It's hard to see. None are married, they're so young, and yet have multiple children. By and large, I'd say they're loving parents and wonderful young people. Yet I don't understand it. This life hurts so much.

Ahh, but there was so much loveliness! We even scored a bunch of old photos! I long for baby R photos - still haven't found baby ones, but this...

"Sistah!" and brother - pouring over some old albums - and a cutie photo bomber!  It kinda made my weekend when, at the end, cutie photo bomber came back to me for a second (non-obligatory) hug and said she was going to miss me so much! I didn't expect that!) 

...led to this:

Apparently the heart wants what the heart wants - and for my dearest, the heart wants hats!! 

Is that amazing, or what? That photo of my hat-wearin' man was taken one month after he came to the U.S.! He's adorable!!!! (Not a surprise - he still is!) This is a treasure and would be worth a million episodes of pink eye!!! And I don't say this lightly.

It was so wonderful seeing R connecting with his ma and siblings, of course!  I always love that, but also with friends he grew up with but hasn't seen in 35 years! That was so special!  He is so special! I'm the luckiest - most blessed - woman in the world!

The party was full of so many hugs and so much love!

Plus, you know that a party is full of lots of good, old friends when you hear someone utter, "Remember that time he accidentally ate a roach!" followed by gales of laughter!

Brothers!

By the way, it was not my husband who ate the roach - just want to set the record straight there...

There really were a lot of good stories to be told.

Uncle and me. 

A wonderful time was had by all!

Ma and her boys! 

The ride home didn't go well though.... It included pink eye times two (never had that before), worsened bronchitis, and a serious panic attack on the plane. Believe it or not, I've never had a panic attack on a plane before... this plane was the size of a pencil case! After a very trying day of aforementioned ailments, compounded by an hour on the tarmac - thus eliminating layover time - I got on that plane and saw that it was merely an aluminum pencil case and freaked out. I started hyperventilating and crying. It was bad. I was kind of noticed...  when there's that many people in a pencil box, it's hard to not notice the hyperventilating, crying one who keeps asking, "Why is it so small, why is it so small?"

Why can I not be a normal person?  It sometimes occurs to me that maybe it's good I can't procreate. Why bring more of this level of crazy in the world.

Course then I watch the news and see that parents kill their children for insurance money, or just because they don't give a flying fig about anyone but themselves, and I think maybe I wouldn't be the worst parent ever.

But this is life. It's the hand I've been dealt. And I'll keep playing it. It's just not always (ever) pretty, I guess.

Speaking of not pretty -- I'm not winking... this was the early sign of pink eye. I just didn't know it yet. Ugh! 

Legit panic attack in action, and all, I walked forward onto that pencil box anyhow. I found our seats anyhow. I buckled myself in anyhow... I didn't try to run off.  Granted, I also scavenged my purse for the Xanax - but that was after buckling in.

Keep on keeping on.

"Surely Goodness and Mercy will Follow me all the days of my Life, and I will Dwell in the House of the Lord forever."  Psalm 23 is what I meditate on at take-off - the whole Psalm. Yet I struggle with the "Shall not be in want" part, as - well, it's clear that I am in want. Oh how I want!!

Yet I am not in need. And I know I will be okay. I am okay. It just hurts so much too. There's so much grief. Yet so much goodness and mercy. There are no easy answers. This is what I know. Grief and heartache --- goodness and mercy. The scale seems balanced. It's not what I want. But... somehow I'm also not IN want. And, well, I can live with it.

Lovely ladies. Little Z's expression kind of mirrors how I often feel, I think - it's kinda perfect, really!