Bold is the new back

My fear of flying is somewhat legendary, so since I had to fly the very week or so that the Photo 52 theme was "bold," it seemed appropriate to use myself as the model. I'm not really that bold, but I like to pretend sometimes.

Week 37 of Photo 52: Bold

Week 36 of Photo 52: Back

Equally appropriate in a stretchy kind of way was that the adjacent week's theme was "back."  I could have chose something more obvious for back, but the truth is nothing illustrates back to me more than that cutie there. I realized it as I was walking out to meet him, as he picked me up from the airport. You know, because I was - back.

Well, it wasn't only that he picks me up when I'm back. (Or down.) It's also because I'm always so happy when we are back together - and mostly because he's the one who truly always has my back. Not that others wouldn't, but my dearest love, my R, he's the one on this earth that I truly believe always has it. I told you it was a bit stretchy, but it makes sense to me. So this photo was me snapping away as he grabbed my bags to put them in the car - and him, as often, saying, "Woman! What are you doing?" And chuckling over the craziness of me snapping photos at such a strange moment. Poor cutie guy - he's never safe.

Ahh, yes, so the flights were okay. I've not had to use Xanax for them lately, so that's good because it means I've been a bit better at being able to manage the anxiety again.

Still, it fascinates me how various people respond to knowing of this anxiety. It's helped me to be more open about my anxiety, in general. It seems to help others sometimes, too - an unexpected perk. Seems others have anxiety issues too, but felt too embarrassed to talk about them. My sharing has helped them to share and not not feel so alone.

For many people who don't have such issues like this, they often tend to think it's something one can just get over. I was told that again last week when I was in San Diego (for work). "Well, once you fly more often, you'll get over that." I tell them, I've been to Siberia, Honduras, Hawaii - and all over the U.S. - by air, and the anxiety remains. I'm not a stranger to air travel - I'm just afraid of it. Each flight is a new encounter. To me it's less important to get over it, than it is to face it - and not let it stop me. If someday I'm over it, it'll be a happy surprise, but it's not my goal.

It's an interesting thing to me, this general notion that one should just get over things. Sure, there are things that one gets over, but there are other things - things that shake us to the core, that change us in parts of our heart that are so deep we weren't even aware they were there. I am all too aware that many people also think that I should get over this IF thing. It doesn't work like that. It's become part of me.

It's changed me, no doubt. Not all the changes are good, and I continue to work on those areas, but it's more important to me that I keep facing it - and not let it stop me - than it is for me to try to get over it, which would be an impossibility.

Do we get over losing those we love so much? No, never. Never! Those losses are part of life and they become part of us, but we don't get over them. We learn to live with them; we learn - hopefully - to use the pain and the heartache to love better and care more.

It's better, methinks, to love and be loved from where we are, than to tell, or be told, to get over it - even if it's meant out of concern. Let's not grow weary in our love. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but people still need whatever time they need to work through things - and there are wounds that forever change us. Love is still stronger than that, if we let it be. 

I am a broken woman, who is often cold, bitter, slow and lacking in grace and faith. It still happens way more often than I want to share that a mere comment about parenthood, or a photo of someone's cute kid is enough to reduce me to endless sobbing. (Back to school this last month is always brutal that way.) It's so hard to me that this - childlessnes - is the outcome for us. So hard. So hard to believe that it's true.

Yeah, this is all beyond hard and not something one gets over. Not something I will ever get over. And that's okay because this is the life I have, and life - which is always a gift -still longs to live. Whatever good may come of all of this, and I trust some will because this too shall not go unredeemed, it will not be of my own doing - and I'll be grateful for it.

In the meantime, it certainly takes a measure of boldness to keep on, and what a blessing to have someone who truly has my back. I'm grateful!

It's true that....

His grace is sufficient for me, but it's just so hard to bear. It's just so hard.

It's just so hard.

I'm not strong. I'm not amazing. I'm not anything but broken.

No matter how many school supplies I contribute.

No matter how much I am happy for others and their beauties.

No matter how good I am to my employee who is sending off their kiddie for first day of school.

It just hurts. I feel like I'm just walking this narrowest of lines.

It's just so damn hard.

I'm getting another brownie now.

His grace is still sufficient for me. It is, it really is. But it just hurts so much.

Round and round

Seems the unofficial end of summer has sneaked up upon me this year. Round and round these seasons go, where they stop, nobody knows.

Week 34 of Photo 52: Round

In the meantime, you can find me here - most likely with Miss Marple - savoring every last sweet, warm, and sun-filled moment.

They will eventually have to pry the flip flops off my cold, frost-bitten toes!

If I could, I'd make summer last all the year long. Some say I wouldn't love it so much if it were this way always, but I beg to differ.

Week 35 of Photo 52: Photographer's Prerogative 

I never tire of that which I love. Nonetheless, it''ll soon be time to suck it up, Buttercup!

As you can see, I've been playing with my phone's panoramic setting a lot this summer - I'm not always perfectly straight, but it's pretty cool to use!

Yeah, it's been a wonderful summer - and a very full one.

Full of sweetness and love.

Beauty and deliciousness

And light.

Very fashionable light, no less.

That's just the way we roll.

On the other hand, there's also that pesky critter that sneaks up on me, following me where ever I go - even in the glorious summer.

This emptiness that just won't leave me. It manifests in different ways, but has seemed to settle into a depth of sadness, which is so much more than just a feeling or a temporary condition that I'll be past tomorrow.

Throughout my blogs, I've often quoted Paul in saying that God's grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. It's another thing that goes round and round in my head. (I'm glad that not only difficult things go round and round up in there!)  Well, the other night I was thinking about that again and wondering how many more times than Paul's three I've pleaded for the removal of this thorn in my flesh - pleaded for an end to barrenness and grief.

How many tears have been shed? How many more shall be shed?

Yet I don't really ask for its removal anymore. (Okay, maybe just once in a while.) Now I more often just pray that I would truly live in the grace that I know is sufficient for me. Live in grace. Live abundantly, thorns and all.

I'm grateful for summer, which refreshes my weary soul and makes everything oh so very much easier - and fun(ner!). I'm grateful, even though it will soon have to go.

I'm grateful for any of you who read this blog (my heart) and still accept me as I am - thorns and all - and all the juxtaposition that is me. I've come to realize that not all friends are like this.

I'm grateful for my husband, who not only accepts me and adores me to pieces, but is a soothing balm.

And I'm grateful to the Lord, for so freely blessing me with so much goodness and grace - me, thorns and doubts and weaknesses and all. I can't say I delight in these difficulties, but I'll not be ashamed anymore. 

Out of Focus

Sometimes I think I spend a good amount of time out of focus...  I was very focused for a long time and now it's a little fuzzy, I'll admit.  This blog is another example of that. Now that I'm done with my New at 42, I'm not sure what, if anything, to write anymore. There's certainly things in my head and in my heart, but do they need to be written?  I don't know.  I guess I'll just play that by ear.

It's funny, after my New at 42 challenge was completed, everyone kept asking me what I was going to do for my 43rd year. Well, I'm over a month into it and I have no big challenge to issue to myself.  Where am I going and what am I doing? I still don't know.

Week 32 of Photo 52: Urban

I really like that I did New at 42. It gave me a lot of new perspectives, which are still rumbling around inside of me. It helped to bring me outside of myself a bit more again, which I needed. Infertility is a rather private and inward experience in so very many ways, and it's been my focus for a long time. The weeping and related repercussions of it go on, as I'm constantly reminded of - yet I know that I need to continue to get back outside myself.

 The 42 challenge came to my heart quite naturally - I was not looking for something to do, it just came to me. Nothing has come to me for this year and I'm okay with that. However, I know that I want to help more - be more involved outside myself, to care for others in a more active way. I've taken some steps in that direction, though I have no concrete goals. Still, the focus is maybe a little sharper than it was. It might help that I keep staring at one of the birthday gifts I received this year from a good friend: it's a pretty little print that simply reads, "Make it Count." Indeed.

Week 33 of  Photo 52: Out of Focus

Then today I stumbled on this quote that really jives with much of what my heart has been exploring lately:

"Don't ever forget that you're a citizen of this world, and there are things you can do to lift the human spirit, things that are easy, things that are free, things that you can do every day. Civility, respect, kindness, character. You're too good for schadenfreude, you're too good for gossip and snark, you're too good for intolerance—and.... it's worth mentioning that you're too good to think people who disagree with you are your enemy." (Aaron Sorkin)

Mind you, I'm more a pilgrim in this world than a citizen, yet the truth of this simple reminder remains and sharpens my focus a bit, as all truth is God's truth. It remains even though I also know that I'm not too good for any of those nastier actions - as none of us are - because I remain confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion. Amen.

Of fur, fins, feathers, and bravery - but mostly bravery

"It is hard to be brave," said Piglet, sniffling slightly, "when you're only a Very Small Animal."

Week 29 of Photo 52: Fun, fin, or feathers - mini horsie!

There are many ways to be brave.  We often think of those really big kinds of bravery - those who lay their lives on the line for another, or for a great cause. Or those who sacrifice everything for what they believe in.

Yet there are also those who simply dare to imagine that they could have a different life - even if they feel like a big fat failure - those who march into the great unknown with.... nothing.  (Based on lines from one of my favorite movies, "You've Got Mail")  These folks are a resilient kind of brave, who get back up every time - no matter how far knocked down they've been.

Others face the realization that it's time - time to stretch a bit - time to take another step, perhaps a step in a different direction, because, well, because sometimes it's time to take another step.

There are other kinds, but these are the ones I know best. 

No matter which kind one faces, the fact remains that it is hard to be brave when you're only a Very Small Animal.

My fur, fin, or feathers runner up

I found myself saying the other day, "Life: it's not for the faint of heart." After all, as I've long said, life is as harsh as it is beautiful. So it takes a lot of bravery and resilience, methinks, to just keep on swimming sometimes.

Especially if... it's time to swim out a little further, and a little further.

Especially if... things are pretty okay as they are.

Especially if... they aren't, but the risk feels too great and isn't it better, this devil you know?

Okay, okay - you twisted my arm with all this swimming talk - now I'll post a photo of some fins too, but I didn't take this one, my bro did.

(I sure love my nephew!!)

Anyhow, I've heard it said (mostly by Janis Joplin) that "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

Week 27 of Photo 52: Freedom (or the intense, innate desire for it)

Well, I don't know much about that, but I do know a bit about bravery. Bravery is knowing you have a lot to lose - and accepting that risk in an active hope. Bravery knows the risks; bravery knows the - often intense - fear of losing it all. Bravery knows there are no guarantees. Bravery goes forward anyhow.

So my Brave and Very Small Animal, go forth - go like the wind!

Week 28 of Photo 52: Wind

After all,

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul - 

And sings the tune without the words - 

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I've heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me. 

(Emily Dickinson)

Go. It won't be goodbye. We'll still be here for you.

So go - go and enjoy the sweet fruits of your bravery.

Week 31 of Photo 52: Photographer's Choice

Know that, even if it's not always the sweet fruit you'd hoped for, as bravery certainly doesn't always yield that for which we so hope, it'll still be okay. There will - without a doubt - still be an abundance of sweetness... sometimes it's just found in the most unexpected, hidden of places.

So go, my Brave Friend, go in Grace. Knowing that, not only will you still be V, you won't go alone.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."  (Psalms 91: 1&2)

Just keeps rollin'

It's been a rather fun several days. A lot of living has been packed into these five days, starting on my birthday. I took off work Wednesday through Friday, and R took off on the weekend (a rare luxury for one who doesn't get paid time off!), so we were able to spend some really good birthday times together. We did end up working together at the flea market on Saturday morning, but that was actually my idea. Flea markets are fun to work together - and even I can make some nice little spending money off our household junk gently-used treasures.

From Wednesday's flowers for mom, birthday burgers, nature walk, and bocce fun (with a win!), through today - helping R's daughter move - it's been nonstop. After the move today I'm definitely sore on top of the already plum tuckered that I was from all these days of fun. Mind you, I'm not even remotely complaining, even about the move; it was great to be able to hang around his daughter and her friend.

So yeah, five purely wonderful and memorable days together doing a little of this and a little of that - together.

Together is my favorite way to do things, after all.

Especially when it comes to walking down unknown roads.

Things I've learned from chocolate candy wrappers: Love is a flower, friendship a sheltering tree.

I'm so grateful for love and friendship of all kinds. My five days off were plum full of them!

And also for all the abundant, but sometimes hidden, blessings that abound.

Week 31 of Photo 52: Photographer's Choice

You just gotta keep your eyes out for them, and enjoy the sweetness when you take hold of them.

And sometimes you find them, but you still have to chase them around a while. With these, rejoice even to take hold of them - no matter how fleeting.

Yeah - and tiki drinks aren't bad either...

Especially when surrounded by happy wishes!

My Thursday night work friends get together was full of laughter and fun - and even a few family members as a bonus!

Friday night held some more family fun.

It's good to have R's oldest in town, though only briefly. Proud pops!

Time for some more laughs, along with cruising and dining on the Mighty Mississippi!

I'm not sure that life is but a dream, but we surely do love to go gently down the stream, err, the Mighty Mississippi.

(This is the only kind of cat's eye I care to stare into!)

Yep, definitely a proud pops!

He has much to be proud of!  (I loved the glowing light on her face and just had to take this shot.)

Week 30 of Photo 52: Dramatic Light

And this one, because the light was even more dramatic.

What Year 43 will bring is as much a mystery as Ol' Man River himself! 

Hopefully it will also be as lovely.

Even if the loveliness I see out this window comes with darkness and distortions, occasionally raging and flooded waters, insects - and most assuredly mixed in with images from behind me.

Loveliness too rages, right along with the rest.

Ol' Man River, that Ol' Man River

He must know somepin', but he don't say nothin'

He just keeps rollin', he keeps on rollin' along

Without further ado, number 42...

My mom loves flowers - especially yellow roses, which were my dad's favorite. I've definitely sent mom flowers for her birthday or mother's day before, but I've never surprised her with flowers for my birthday. I've never done anything for her for my birthday before. Until this year, that is. She did have a little something to do with my birthday, after all, you know.  

So here is what I sent her.

Photo is from the Teleflora website

They will arrive this morning, my birthday, with a typically silly card attached, informing her that while having the pleasure of my awesomeness for 43 years should be more than sufficient thanks, that I thought she should get a little something extra this year.  

So that's it - that's my number 42: simple and sweet. I'd been racking my brain for a big and fabulous finale to the challenge; to really go out with a bang. Some ideas occurred to me - but then this just popped in and I just knew.

Somewhere in the depths of my aging pea brain, knowing how terribly much I want to be a mom, and how much I have and would give for it, and how much most moms do go through and give for their kids... and sort of murkily seeing this too as part of my juxtaposed life just made me know to do this. It's a jumble, but when you know, you know.

So....  New at 42 challenge: completed! 

Probably most people (my supportive friends and R aside) won't see my list as very exciting: no hot air balloons, sky diving, or swallowing of snakes, but it is special to me and I'm thankful for being able to learn and grow - and have an altered perspective -  through this challenge.

Thank you so much, my friends, for your love and encouragement, your humor and suggestions, and for sometimes actually joining me in the NEW!  There really were times I wanted to hang it all up, but you helped me to not. The NEW certainly won't end now that I'm 43; hopefully there will be plenty of NEW yet in my future, which I will appreciate so much more as a result of this year's focus. 

After all, His mercies are NEW every morning - great is His faithfulness! 

Much love,

HJ

Update 10:49 am: here is a photo of the actual flowers. My mom was kinda over the moon to receive these. She was thoroughly surprised and touched. She also said she almost didn't open the door, figuring the delivery person had the wrong house and would figure it out in a moment. She thinks I may have started a new tradition!  ☺

Two more sleeps

Well, here we are...  two more sleeps until my 43rd birthday. My 42nd NEW is already done, but I'll wait til then to post it - besides, the effect of it will not happen until Wednesday.

NEW chimes!  Love it!! 

I commented on Facebook about how I recently saw blogs about other people doing new challenges. This is funny to me because of course I'd never heard of anyone doing such a thing when I first challenged myself to do it. Like when you come up with a BRILLIANT idea for an invention, only to discover that your invention has actually been around since 1854....  what? Someone already thought of slicing bread?!? Well I'll be!

These two blogs were crazy challenges though - one was for 365 new things. Okay - that's somewhat doable, but still... there are days when getting out of bed is just darn good enough! Well, that's my opinion anyhow. The other blog was for 1,000 new things.  One thousand - in a year!! That just seems outrageous to me. Fortunately, it's so outrageous that I don't feel diminished at all in my meager 42 NEW, which I was feeling a bit upon first seeing the 365 new. As I thought about it though, I realized that they have their reasons for picking those numbers - and I have mine for mine.  It's okay. That's their thing; this is mine.

NEW fruit! 

Besides, my lovely friend, and long time blog follower, stated what I'd kind of been feeling about it, which is that I've focused more on quality over quantity - at least quality in my eyes. She also said that the 1,000 person probably has to do things like eat a leaf, or wear their shirt inside out on purpose one day. Hee!

If I did 1,000 NEWs, I'd have to have counted getting stalked and threatened by a duck!

There have also been a few times lately that I've thought about how some of my good friends have been doing really HUGE new and amazing things - just because it was right for them to do. So brave and awesome!!  And here I am, like... "Oohhhh - get me - I just got flowers hand-painted on my toes!" ☺

Yeah, it's hard to not compare ourselves to others, sometimes - especially we people-pleasers - but it's one of those things to stay mentally and spiritually strong against, I think. We are all on our own walk, after all. Somehow it seems I've accidentally grown in this way a bit over the last year or so.

Getting a custom made necklace is NEW!

As I reflect back, I acknowledge that I've definitely done more than 42 NEW this year. I've only counted those that I considered challenge worthy, for whatever reason that struck me at the moment. (Yeah, there may have been some whimsy involved!)  Some I combined into one that could really have been two or more. I'm good with my choices, of course; I only mention it to say that the challenge made me see that there are so many opportunities for NEW - big and small - all around us. We just need to look... and make a decision.

Seeking ways to love (in action) kids again is an old NEW; one I've had to repress for a while in order to manage life.
(Photo is from nokidhungry.org - check it out!)

It may take me a while to process through all that the whole NEW at 42 experience really means to me, but it's been quite good. It's been good to acknowledge and appreciate the naturally occurring NEW, and to seek out and step out into the NEW. It's been good to continue to acknowledge my losses, alongside seeking the NEW.

Yes, it's been good to accept that I'm juxta girl.

When I chose juxtaposition as the theme for one of January's Photo 52 themes, I simply had no idea how much I'd internalize it. Truly, I just chose it because it sounded like an interesting and challenging photography theme. It certainly was, but for some reason, it also continues to help me process through the deep grief and deep gratitude that is my life.

I'll be the first to tell you that we may not always get the NEW that we long for, but life still longs to live.

"People always say, 'I don't know where the Lord is leading me.' I always say, 'It don't really make a whole lot of difference.' The important thing is to be where He has led you to already. If He has led you into a marriage, then be faithful there. If He has led you into being single, then be faithful there. If He has blessed you with many material goods, then be a good steward of those goods. And if He has blessed you by allowing you to imitate His life of poverty, then imitate it with great joy."  (Rich Mullins)

So very grateful for all the support and encouragement I've received all the way! 

With love,
HJ