Polly wanted a cracker

This morning I got up early, fluffed up my dreadlocks, and headed to the library for the day...

NEW number 36 was volunteering at the library, helping with the kickoff of the children's summer reading program. In case it's not obvious, it was a pirate theme. There were crafts (parrot for the shoulder), scavenger hunts, face painting, live parrots, pirate bands, and reading challenges. It went from 10 am to 3 pm, so it was a long day in dreads.

Speaking of dread, this one was a really big new for me. I didn't actually dread it - I chose it. But I did have a lot of panic leading up to it. A day spent working closely with kiddies would not be easy for me, despite all my past experience working at camp so long, leading AWANA, and teaching Sunday School. It's just so different than it used to be before IF - now it just feels much like the lyrics:

You can look at the menu but you just can't eat

You can feel the cushions but you can't have a seat

You can dip your foot in the pool but you can't have a swim...

("No One is to Blame" Howard Jones)

After all, avoidance, to the degree possible, has been a necessary coping strategy for me over these last years. Avoidance and putting up mental walls has been a way I can still function in society without constantly being in weepy tears over so much grief and loss.

When I started this challenge to do 42 new things before 43, volunteering with children was one of my goals because... well, I don't think avoidance and walls are the best way to live long term. Besides, one cannot love without giving. 

While I strongly considered a mentoring program, such as Big Brother/Big Sister or Kinship Kids, upon a lot of reflection, I know that this is not something for which I'm emotionally ready. Maybe someday, I don't know. In the meantime, it seemed some baby steps might be a good way to ease in and check it out. The looming deadline of 43 was good inspiration to stop tomorrowing this away, which I would have likely continued to do otherwise. So it was decided - I sought opportunities and found one with the library. (I do so love reading!) I felt good about it for a day or two.

Then came the panic a few days before. On Friday at lunch, it got worse... Triggered by seeing a lady in a bandanna, which reminded me I needed a bandanna to look pirate-y. It's funny how panic works. The memory of that silly bandanna plagued me the rest of the day and evening. 

(In the meantime, R was, unbeknownst to me, at a party store buying me the bandanna with dreads.)

Quite honestly, I strongly considered chickening out, even this morning, but, I didn't. And - it went okay. 

It was busy and it was fun. Definitely bittersweet, but that's to be expected, I suppose. There sure were gaggles upon gaggles of little cuties there... I think I did okay with them - interacting with them - helping with crafts, the treasure hunt, and face painting. I can still make some of them giggle, so that was fun. 

Fortunately, since we hit the ground running, there wasn't a lot of down time to reflect, which - though I tend to agree that the unexamined life isn't worth living - can definitely be a blessing at times. There's always time for reflection later.

Late in the day, my dear hubby showed up after his work. I looked over and caught a certain gorgeous man sneaking photos of me from between the library shelves, so you can thank him for your having the pleasure of seeing me in dreads. I told him it's a good thing no one called security on him - my sweet guy. He is always so supportive of me. He hung around until I was done, then treated me to a late lunch of my choice. So wonderful that he was working locally today.

Mmm, seems pirate-y enough to me!

This was just a one time deal, but I am looking for other ways to start volunteering, to start getting involved. 

Bottom line: I did it.  With a little help from my friends - thanks for the prayers, prayers! 

Week 24 of Photo 52: Mystical

Indeed.

Are You Down?

I'll get straight to the point - my 35th NEW was going to the Franconia Sculpture Park last weekend.

It was another activity I've wanted to do a long time. I've always seen it from the road, but when we're out that way it's for a specific reason, so we've never stopped. 

In short, it's pretty neat! And way bigger than you'd think, just by looking from the road.

There are lots of nooks and crannies to look in to find treats for the eyes.

I'll admit - some of the sculptures looked a bit like something that I, myself, could have made.... It's possible that I don't always understand the artistic, but most of it was pretty cool.

Pretty sure I even got my 10,000 steps in over the course of the day.

I had lots of favorites, such as this giant fish.

But then this one was my favorite: "Constructed memory."

 But then....  this one was my favorite.

It stayed my favorite.

 It captivated me from first glimpse. It's titled, "Are You Down?"

It was created in honor of the Tuskegee Airmen of WWII, portraying three downed airmen who knew the exhilaration of flight, along with the agony of dreams that have crashed to the earth.

I had a hard time choosing my photographer's option photo this month - I mean, I knew it would be this sculpture as soon as I saw it, but I didn't know how to choose. The full photo shows the context better, but the faces just completely captured me - and the hands.... the hands still upturned in the midst of agony spoke depths to me.

So beautiful.

Can being so far down possibly be beautiful?  Is ugliness and agony redeemable?

I believe the answer is yes. I fear the answer is no. Then again, I'm probably not the right person to ask.

Week 22 of Photo 52: Photographer's Option

Tomorrow I'll be doing my NEW number 36... if I don't chicken out, that is. I started to feel worried on Wednesday. This afternoon I started to feel panicky - very panicky. I want to chicken out. If things can't be as I wish, why can't they at least be easy and comfortably numb? I just long for easy and comfortably numb. But we're not here for easy and comfortably numb. Yes, I'm terrified of my new number 36 - and when you see what it is, you'll want to reflect on how ridiculous I am to let such a thing terrify me so.

Oh - the depth of this longing forever unfulfilled.

People like to say that time heals all wounds.While true of some wounds, frankly, I've always thought that was malarkey - at least this side of Heaven it is.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'”

 (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

High highs, low lows, and deep caves

NEW number 33: a tour of the Wabasha Street Caves

This is one I've wanted to do for a long time. Last weekend, R was home and we finally made it happen! I don't have a whole lot to say about this outing, except that it was very fun - and educational! (By the way, they're actually caverns - not caves, but that doesn't change their enjoyment.)

We also got some good exercise bopping around the Glacial Potholes at the Interstate Park in Taylors Falls, for NEW number 34.  It was gorgeous there, gorgeous out, and boy was there some good exercise to be had hiking around in there.

While we didn't go very far into the park, we did experience a lot of highs and lows....

It was in the 80s this day, but there was ice still down there in this particular pothole.

Ice, ice, baby!

I'm not commenting much about either of these outings, but that's not a lack of interest - it's just that they were just plain fun! The weather was beautiful and my guy was home and we had fun in the sun (and the rain) - all day! We simply enjoyed, which was refreshing. So many things make me think of so many things, but this day, I just enjoyed.

Of simplicity and complication

A surprise visitor in the front yard of our complex a few mornings ago. I'm so glad I always carry my camera on me!

"We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics." (Bill Vaughan)

This challenge to do 42 new things before my 43rd birthday - which is just over a month away now - has surprised me in many ways. One of the surprises is all the very simple things I've not done thus far in my life, some of which seem more important even than the biggies.

Take, for example, my NEW number 32: a picnic in the park. I've been to bigger type picnics - barbecues - like camp and church events. Dining al fresco is something I've grown to love more and more over the years, and we do eat out on our balcony a lot during the nice months, but still - I'd never just deliberately engaged in what I consider a true - spread out on the ground and kick back - picnic in the park. Strange, isn't it?

A picnic in the park was not something I'd thought of to do for a NEW at 42. It just happened - the way picnics probably should.

It was Thursday at work, and I had a few minutes to think. I'd run out for lunch that day and found that it was unbelievably gorgeous out. Even though I only had about 20 minutes, I sat out on the patio and enjoyed some warmth on my shoulders, while I quickly chowed down on my little lunch. In my moments of thought, I again wished R had been there with me at lunch to enjoy the wonderful weather together. I thought I'd maybe see if he wanted to go out somewhere with a nice patio for dinner... then I thought I wouldn't do that because he doesn't really love eating out that much, and my only motivation for eating out was to go somewhere outside, which is when the word "PICNIC!" jumped into my mind.

I didn't have time to think about it though because right then, R called and wondered if I wanted him to make the salmon for dinner (we always have salmon on hand - mmmm!). Without hesitation I said no... and told him I'd handle dinner. (He kindly typically puts weeknight dinners together because he's typically working his business from home during the week - it is so appreciated, especially considering how many people used to inadvertently give me the impression that a man would really only want me for my cooking.)

I clearly didn't put a lot of effort into presentation

I chose to not tell him what I had planned, which always makes him a bit nervous - though he's almost always loved my surprises.

And I clearly didn't put a lot of effort into good photography... but that's okay too

After that, I got back to work with picnic ideas dancing through my mind. On the way home, I stopped off and picked up the necessities: cheese, crackers, summer sausage, veggies, dip, fruit, and wine. Oh, and sardines! (That makes the picnic a double NEW. R loves sardines, but as much as I love fish, sardines and the like do not appeal to me, but I wanted to try them.)

Once I got home, R was curiously waiting to find out what I had up my sleeves. I told him we were walking to the park (a triple NEW) for a picnic - and I proceeded to prepare our meal. He loved the picnic idea, but not the walking to the park idea. If you know us and our exercise habits, you'll know how strange that is: me wanting to walk somewhere and he not... that's a bit upside down!

Here's the thing about that: R grew up (after coming to the U.S. at age 13) in inner city Boston in the early '70s. To say that there were some racial tensions would be a strong understatement. While he doesn't dwell on such things, he experienced some difficulties simply due to the color of his skin that are harder for him to shake. As much as he loves to walk and jog, he does not wish to do it on the roads. He's always been quite adamant about this, whereas I'd prefer to walk along the roads - to walk somewhere - versus driving somewhere to walk in circles... and so, he and I've never walked along the road together, except in Utila.

He tried to convince me to drive there - and he easily succeeded. Though my growing up was quite different, and I have never felt that I couldn't safely walk along a road, I understand his concerns. He's a man who has never let anything hold him back - certainly not fear, and I would never begrudge him this one concern.

Once we covered that and decided to drive, he stated we were going to walk to the park. Now I tried to convince him otherwise, but he was not to be swayed - he knew it's what I'd wanted to do, so he thought we should do it anyway. My arguing against it was ineffective - he was determined.

We packed up our goodies and grabbed a tablecloth and headed off to the park - along the road. He's not counting, but this would count as a NEW for him.

As we walked, he talked a bit more about those experiences in Boston. There were rocks and cans hurled, names called, and a slasher - a person who drove along the streets and pulled along side people of color to slash them with a knife. Not the kinds of experiences that one easily forgets. I encouraged him to not let fear win, even on this.

When it comes to fear, I know of which I speak.

Once we got to the park, we chose a spot right between the two lakes - on a little hill - where no one else had claimed. We spread out our tablecloth and kicked off our shoes. It was truly lovely.

Except maybe for the sardines. They weren't terrible, and I'm glad to have tried them - but... I'll be okay if I don't have them again.

Best yet, R thought it was truly lovely. He declared that this would not be our last picnic at the park.

My wonderfully hubby - I'm so incredibly lucky!

In fact, though not at the park, we had another picnic in our back yard the very next night.

The worth of certain things in life cannot be measured by any means known to humankind: the simple pleasure of nature between our toes, sun on our skin, the sharing of wholesome foods and wine, enjoying quiet moments with the ones we love, and working to overcome fears and negative memories together.

It only occurred to me afterward that this was actually a bona fide NEW.

The new and the not so new

I still have 12 or 13 new things to do - and time is running short. Late March and through April and May got so crazy that I really got a bit behind. At halfway through the year, I was right on track, but now I'm feeling the pinch. Happily though, bocce is in full swing and, though not new, that is a thing to prioritize, despite the busyness of life lately.

Week 20 of Photo 52: Reflection

Speaking of bocce, R's daughter, quite unwittingly for both of us, became the model for the Photo 52 reflection theme, as she perfectly reflected the entire bocce court in her sunglasses. She's also a rather lovely reflection of her pops in oh so many ways. I actually ended up with many reflection photos that I liked, but this one was by far my favorite.

And now, on to more of the countdown:

Number 30 NEW was just saying NO! Life has been really busy, as I've mentioned recently... beyond busy, really. Then came the work bake sale fundraiser. Most of you probably know that I love to bake and am not too bad at it. However, I've also found myself working till midnight on several occasions of late, and so... I just couldn't do it. R has always told me to just go buy something, but I can seriously not do that - well, I never could before. This time - I had to. I couldn't do it. I did make one recipe, but I cheated and used a brownie mix for the base (peanut butter brownie cups). The rest (spritz cookies and a quick bread) I bought from Byerly's and bagged up. It felt so dirty. The not staying up till 3 am baking part, which I'd have had to do, felt great though. I just said NO! It might not have been what Nancy Reagan had in mind, but I recognize that sometimes saying no - or, in this case really, finding a compromise - is the best thing one can do for oneself. Words of affirmation are something I really love, so it's hard for me to say no... no does not lead to words of affirmation, typically. Still, this year I've taken a number of steps to try to step away from my need for affirmation. It'll always be there, but I can just say no to that too, perhaps.

I also had to say no to some fun plans with a fun friend one day last week because I just needed a little break. Running on fumes and a prayer, I've been. My friend is not the sort of friend who would mind - it's nice that way. Funny enough, I actually did do some baking on this day - this time for my R! It was wonderful and relaxed and I sprinkled a little extra love in the dough.

Week 21 of Photo 52: Flo(wer/ur)

Number 31 NEW was joining a mini book club. Is that really new? I have never been in a book club before, but my friend M lovingly questioned that being a new thing because I've been in Bible studies before, which she happens to know for a fact, since I've been in many with her. I have always thought of them as different, but it was a good point that made me question if I should count it, or not. I decided I should. The Bible studies were always with people I knew and I was always part of making the decision about the study - plus, you sort of dig into the subject together. For this (mini) book club, it was with people I do not know - other than the fabulous and lovely hostess, V. - so that is different and risky feeling. For me, every time I'm going to meet new people, I just dread when they will almost inevitably ask me about children - so I have found myself wanting to avoid that by wanting to avoid meeting new people. (Happily, that didn't happen here.) Also, it was really focused on the book, not the application to our own lives. Anyhow, I don't know - I'm tired and don't think very straight lately, so I'm just going to count it as new and be okay with that.

Anyhow, the first book club night was really nice and I look forward to the next!

So - twelve more NEW to go. Frankly, I'm not sure if I can do it. Work should relax a bit now that I've hired someone (started last week), but still, I'm tired and my brain is fuzzy and frail.

It doesn't help that the last month or so has also seen what might be a record high of baby announcements, along with graduations and proms and weddings and grandchildren announcements - really, just all sorts of kid type celebrations and reflections. Honestly - when I'm not racing around and bending over backwards to try to get everything done - I'm just still so very sad. There may have even been a few major breakdowns/temper tantrums thrown in these last few weeks (never too busy to say no to that, apparently). Just when I think I'm doing a bit better - or maybe too busy to feel anything - whammo!

Of course, Facebook is always a landmine, but there's also work department gatherings where the entire conversation turns completely to pregnancy and child-rearing - and then there's me, the awkward one trying not to start crying because I'm too tired to keep my vulnerabilities in check, and the cake isn't even chocolate, so I slink off to call R somewhere and wait it out until the party is over. That was a particularly tough day. There have just been so many wonderful and exciting announcements and achievements lately. I'm simultaneously over the moon happy for people, and despondently horrified for us. (WHY NOT ME TOO?!?!?)

None of this makes me proud of myself, that's for sure. I wish I was more graceful. I need to accept these juxtapositions in my life, but it's a struggle. I'm tired of the sad parts and I'm tired of the failure parts. I wish I was one of the people who struggled a long time and then finally, at long last, got the precious child they longed for. Rather, I'm one of the fewer people, who struggled a long time - and then struggles some more - and knows that she'll never be past this, not really, because just like there's no baby now, there's no first steps, no off to school, no daddy daughter dances, no school achievements, no growing up, no going off, no marriage, no kids of their own. No sunrise, sunset. It's the loss that keeps on taking. I'm sure it gives something too. No doubt that there have been wonders of loveliness along the way. It's all okay, it'll be okay. It'll just be really, really hard too. Gratitude and grief.

And really, I'm just tired. It's 1:30 am and I don't know what I'm writing any more or why I'm still awake. Farewell, for now!

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night...

Gooood nighttttt!  ♥

If only

If only

If wishes were kisses

and if love were enough

you would be here;

here with us

If wishes were kisses

and if dreams came true

this love we'd share;

share with you 

If wishes were kisses

and if hope could float

this earth you'd walk;

walk with us 

If only; 

if only wishes were kisses

Catching up

It's been about a month since I posted here. My work-life balance has been a bit out of whack lately. At work I've been short-staffed and had another work trip in there (to Miami!) - and have just had to put in a lot of extra hours overall. My weekends have also been completely packed. This past weekend was the first weekend that I was in town and had nothing planned - how luxurious!

Happy flower! 

The only thing I really have NEW to report on is that I've achieved my first weight loss goal - a small goal: 5% body weight lost. (New number 28.) It's important that I get back on the right track with my weight, but it's also important to me that I do it in a sane and healthy way, so it's pretty slow going. It feels really good to get back on a right track in that way, like I have some level of moderate control in my life. There's a long way to go still, but 5% is a good start and I'll take it!

In sort of related news, I'd gotten a bit behind on my photo challenge. Though I'm a bit out of order in the posting of photos on my blog, I think I'm caught up now. Last week's theme was "cinco" - I hadn't thought I had anything to write about related to cinco, but I just realized that 5% is cinco percent, so that ties in nicely!

Week 19 of Photo 52: Cinco

What do colored pencils have to do with anything? They're super cool colored pencils, that's what! Aren't they fun?

Let's see, what else?  I also went to my wonderful little niece's dance recital. It was the first one I got to ever go to, and because of distance and scheduling conflicts it took a bit of finagling for me to get there. She is worth it! She is really, really good! No, I'm not biased - she really is!! She's the one that always moves to front and center - and all the other girls follow her lead. She's something, I tell ya! I daresay she did not get any of her talent or athleticism from her old auntie Heather, but she sure gets a lot of adoration from her auntie!

Week 17 of Photo 52: Moment to Remember

So this photo is her and my big bro. They performed a daddy/daughter dance - a pretty fancy one, I might add. I'll admit that my bro did a great job!. It was the sweetest thing!! Unfortunately, cameras weren't allowed during the performances, so I got this afterward when she was famished and exhausted. Wish I'd have gotten a more perfect shot, but I kinda think it's perfect anyhow.

I sure do love my niblings!!

There's something else I must admit.... watching all the daddies and daughters dancing was nearly the end of me. It was so very sweet and oh so very painful. Oh how I long to see R up there with our little girl, dancing to those precious, heart-wrenching daddy/daughter type songs....

It's hard to manage that so many moments of utter sweetness and joy are tainted by childless anxiety and grief.

Yet life goes on.

Speaking of childless grief, yesterday was Mother's Day. Would it surprise you to hear that this is one of my least favorite times of year - ever?  It's not that I'm a total jerk - I appreciate my mom, and I appreciate moms in general. Some of my favorite people are moms. In fact, if you haven't noticed, I'd sure like to be one. Yeah, Mother's Day is a real landmine to the IFer, I tell ya. Typically, I ignore it and stay silent - and in, if at all possible. I never want to rain on anyone's parade, after all, and I also don't want to expose myself to more pain than is necessary. Therefore, burrowing in has always been a good option.

However, this year was not as bad because several people - many not at all IF related - acknowledged and empathized with the extra grief that this holiday time can bring to some. That was new, surprising, and so appreciated! Empathy really goes a long way, don't ya know?

Also, R was home this weekend - he only worked on Saturday morning. Despite the accompanying sadness, R and I had a really wonderful weekend together. As mentioned, I always stay in on Mother's Day weekend because of all the understandable and well-deserved revelry. Not this year.

New number 29 was embracing life - pain and all - instead of hiding on Mother's Day. Instead of hiding, this year R made a nice breakfast at home and then we headed out for a nice, long walk on the river, drove around the countryside, and then dined on a rooftop patio overlooking the St. Croix.

Here I am looking every second of my age and heartbreak, but it also shows a bit of the rooftop dining. I should have gotten a better shot of that.

Prosciutto Crostini

It was a sad, but lovely day together! More juxtaposition. It's the theme of the year.

As a bonus, there were a few beauties to capture with my camera. This little guy sure captivated me to no end. He didn't like to sit still for long at all, but I finally got a pretty decent shot of him here.

Hmm, I just realized that my last comment could apply to both the photo of the gorgeous and charming R just above, and Mr. Birdie below... but I was actually referring to Mr. Yellow Birdie.

They sure are a couple cuties, aren't they?

Yep, still talking about the birds, but it still also applies to R.

So that's that. A couple of new things and a lot of extreme busyness. Maybe there were other new things in there that I don't even remember... hmm.  Anyhow, today I got the good news that the candidate I selected accepted our job offer, so hopefully work will calm down soon. (Though busy is preferable, sane would be nice.) And hopefully there will be more relaxing weekends ahead too... I could use a season of rest. 2014 so far has been a pretty wild ride - for better and for worse.

And above all, God is good and Life is good. Though it includes a lot of seemingly unnecessary pain, it is still good. Broken is not destroyed, and Life longs to live.

What's fair got to do with it?

Some days the unfairness of things just overwhelms me. Today was one of those days. It really bothers me that this is always with me. After all, the idea of fairness in these matters is delusional thinking. Besides, if it were about fairness, in so many ways I've been given way more than my share. How I wish I could just right-click and delete that file - and the other files of negative thought. Yet they too are part of me and my story. No, I'm not going to blather on again. I've done that a million times - there's nothing new to say. It just hurts. It hurts so very much.

Oh, but I am also thankful.

Week 14 of Photo 52: Hands 

I sometimes fear what a disappointment I must be to R. Yet strangely, all evidence points to the contrary. Today he even told me how proud he is of me - that he knows from me that being strong doesn't mean never crying, never being hurt - and that it doesn't mean not falling down. He's proud because I always get back up and keep going, and because I continue to care despite the hurt. How strange is that?

Yeah, if life were about fairness, it sure worked in my favor - in a big way - in this regard.

Week 15 of Photo 52: Silhouette 

He even willingly tromps around town with me, helping me with my photography themes. Here he is doing a victory fist pump after I told him I think I got the money shot - then I snapped his fist pump and realized that it totally trumped my original money shot. He's the best!

Life isn't about fairness, and it doesn't necessarily go the way we want. Sometimes that works in our favor; sometimes it doesn't. Though my heart feels otherwise, it's okay. At least it'll be okay. Perhaps this too shall not pass, but it will not go unredeemed.

Life breaks and falls apart,

But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing.

It may be unfulfilled;

It may be unrestored;

But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord,

Just watch and see –

It will not be unredeemed.

(Selah)